It’s like my brain is thinking and it knows what to do (or NOT to do), but my mouth/body just does whatever it wants *sigh*.
Last night we had a wonderful time just playing the poker machines (I gave him a 90-minute back rub right after we got to the room, then we went to the games). We had one tequila shot (because last week we each had 4 and that was definitely too many, but it made for some AWESOME sex — before Vanilla became the Sahara Desert!) and, for a couple of minutes, it looked like we were going to break even, but we didn’t. Each of us only lost $10, though.
When it was time for us to go back to our room, we talked about food, but it was 10:30 and both of us were more tired than hungry so we just went back upstairs to drink our bottle of Moscato and do some “stuff”.
He headed into the shower because he hadn’t had a chance to yet and I slipped into the Colorado Rockies t-shirt he just gave me. Vanilla got a good lube-ing so there would be no repeats of last week and I laid down to watch Conan. Before I knew it, Loverman was standing bare naked in front of me brushing the stray hairs away from my face (he’s just so sweet sometimes it totally melts my heart).
I grabbed the bottle of wine and he poured each of us a glass. We chatted (he told me that we have probably had sex more times than he and his wife since they started dating over 7 years ago!!! Win for me!) and slowly sipped our wine until after midnight. At one point I even said, “It’s so cool chilling with you.” He agreed with me and we crawled under the sheets together.
His magical fingers found his way to my moistened muff and started gently probing and caressing… It felt so good, and then he began to drift off. I squirmed a little and he woke up and resumed his tender touches. Eventually (you probably know what’s coming, right? BTW – no pun intended ;0 ) he fell completely asleep.
Sadly, here is where my brain was still thinking but my mouth/body had totally stopped listening (surprised?).
My brain was telling me to let him sleep and my body was aching to have him inside of me, loving me, feeling me…
For a while I laid there peacefully watching some really crappy movie with Donald Faison, but the movie was very bad and Vanilla was still rarin’ to go! I got up and went to the bathroom, relieved myself and got a glass of water. Then, I went back and laid in the other bed. Loverman said, “Why don’t you come back to bed, babe?”
“Because you’re tired and I feel so restless. I don’t want to keep you up.”
“Mamacita… Okay…” and I thought he fell back asleep, but really he just got quiet.
The television was pissing me off because there were only 12 channels and all of them were bad (except CBS where Craig Ferguson was just ending and TBS which was playing this super crappy movie) so I turned it off and laid down on the top of the blankets of the other bed. I could feel my feet tingling (“restless legs”, it happens to me all the time. So annoying!) and I really couldn’t lay still. It was bothering me, so why wouldn’t it be bothering my sweet Loverman?
I found out that he hadn’t gone back to sleep a few minutes later when he said, “Goodnight I guess then.”
This is when I became furious with myself. I wanted to get back into bed with him, and clearly that’s what he wanted too, but I didn’t want to wrestle around with the bed-covers in a futile attempt to get comfortable. I knew my legs would just keep kicking and squirming and I would just get more frustrated.
I got up and I started to put on my clothes. My brain was asking me, “What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Do you want to wake him up and have an argument?”
Apparently so. He rolled over in his bed to look at me and asked, “Where are you going?”
“Then why are you getting dressed.”
“I don’t know. I think I want to,” then I started saying mean things about myself: I feel gross, I think I am so fat, etc…
Loverman rose from his bed and started getting dressed, too. In my brain I felt like a total idiot, but now my “instincts” were in full control of my actions and I no longer understood what was happening.
“Please don’t leave, baby. I am sorry. Right now I am having some kind of emotional episode that I can’t seem to control,” I explained. “My feelings are controlling my reactions and I am trying to settle down. Please don’t go. I don’t know what words I can say to tell you how I am feeling.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I’m just confused.”
We talked again for a while. I tried to understand the emotional barrage that had overtaken me. It was hard to help him understand how I was feeling, too, because I still don’t know what the hell got into me!
Once I had determined that it was probably extreme sexual frustration on my part, I started to calm down — whether or not that’s actually what was bothering me, this answer seemed to calm me infinitely. (I get frustrated a lot because I don’t know when I will get to see/be with him again and I know that next week will be a “no nookie” week. Maybe I just got too far ahead of myself, maybe I was trying to proactively catch up…)
I told him that what I really wanted was for him to return to bed and that I would behave, but I really wanted to feel loved and sexy and he’s so good at that.
Loverman’s response was, “I don’t even know where to start now.”
Trying to break the tension I responded, “You could let me start because I am the one that messed things up tonight?”
“You said you wanted a back rub. Let’s start with that,” he said and I complied by getting settled into bed and baring my back to him.
One of my strongest feelings about him is that I don’t provide for his sexual needs as much as he provides for mine. When I tell him that I feel this way he just grins at me and tells me that I don’t have anything to worry about (and then, most of the time, does something sexy to me 😉 ).
About 30 minutes later my regular back rub turned into a sexy back rub and I started to feel like we were “on track” again.
This is one of my favorite positions with him — Loverman’s too. Coconut seems to fill in all my blanks and empty places with his rigid warmth and it never takes long for me to cum this way. He’s so close against me this way while he lays his entire torso on my back, and then he starts to kiss my shoulder-blades and tickle my back with his beard stubble. It’s heavenly!
Afterward, as I was lying next to him enjoying his tenderness, I realized again how very lucky I am to have a man (who isn’t even technically “mine”) who is so patient and tries to be so understanding with me.
I would say that I don’t think I deserve such a wonderful man, but he has issues of his own. So I think I will continue down this road with him and I will endeavor to handle my emotional outbursts in a more sensible manner in the future.