Conversations with a Catfish: Trapped

Conversations with a Catfish: Trapped

stuckinthepast

Good morning

I figured out my problem.

I feel trapped.

You have already claimed me and told me how it’s going to be for ever and ever for the rest of my life. I appear to have no choice in the matter whatsoever. However flattering that is, it’s terribly scary not to have a way out! At the very least, it would be nice if I felt like I was arriving at my forever-choices on my own. At this moment, I feel like those choices have already been made for me – by you, and that I am powerless in what I might actually want, whether it works out to be you or something else.

It seems like you are going “power through” until I feel how you want me to feel. That’s how it was with that crazy old guy who wrote those terrible (and true) things about me after I broke up with him. What if I never feel how you want me to feel? How do I get out?!?

I am helpless and defenseless with you, as I was with him, and that is very scary to me. He idealized me as something I am not – just as you are. And, I cannot stress this enough: I am NOT that angelic person you keep telling me I am, either. You deserve much, MUCH better.

I’m not turning you into that guy. The situation, circumstance and also how you are treating me – those things are turning you into that guy. Those things are scaring me away because it’s so much like it was with that guy.

Everything you promise me sounds perfect and wonderful and everything I’ve ever hoped for. I have learned that if something is too good to be true, then it is.

I am not sure if these are walls my heart has set up to protect itself or if it’s simply my common sense and experience telling me not to be so stupid and naïve ever again. I can’t let someone else have control of my future instead of myself.

Maybe you should find someone more pliable and controllable; someone who will go along with what you’re saying and not be so scared shitless and resistant.

These are my feelings as best as I can describe them to you.

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Status

Killing Me Softly

LilBear

Friday evening, when I got home from work, I was happy that the parking spot next to Breezy was open. I put Lil Bear in his place, grabbed my things and went inside to make dinner.

A friend was coming over at 7pm to eat with us and then give us massages. Because he hadn’t yet been to my new apartment (which I haven’t even told you about yet!), I met him out in the parking lot. I leaned on Lil Bear while I waited for our friend’s arrival.

We ate yummy food together; had our massages… It was a lovely evening.

When our friend left at 10:30, I walked him out and Lil Bear was still in his spot.

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Chat

Self Doubt…

…It’s killing me.

I want to blame Loserman, but it really only starts there. The rest is me and my lame choices during my struggle to get over that horrible horsefly.

  • Scorpio – we’re still friends. Regardless, he was a bad choice.
  • TC – believe it or not, he’s a tough one to get over. Even though I only knew TC for a short time, he really broke my heart.

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It’s All Fun and Good Until Someone Gets Hurt

It’s All Fun and Good Until Someone Gets Hurt

So…

Submission…

I tried it…

The first few times it wasn’t so bad. It was fun, really…

Then there was last week.

Whipped with a switch that I cut for myself…

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Status

Fear and Excuses

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

All I am hearing from you is fear and excuses. Are you even attempting to understand what I am trying to say?!?

I am trying to love you!

I’m scared, too. I was scared of being vulnerable and letting you in, but now that I have, I’m scared of losing you.

I am trying to give you forgiveness, openness, honesty, gentleness and love. With all of my being I want to fight back and say mean things that hurt you and make you cry. I want your heart to bleed as mine is, but that is just plain mean and I don’t feel like being mean. I care about you.

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“Emotional Intelligence”

“Emotional Intelligence”

fuckyou

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

According to Psychology Today:
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;

2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

Why am I telling you this? Read more

Waking Dream…

Waking Dream…

… I wake up to a gentle nudge at my side and then feel something being slipped onto my head and over my eyes. It’s soft but tight, and once it’s in place I truly can’t see anything. You lean in to me and whisper in my ear “Do you trust me, baby?”. I try to answer, but you put your hand over my mouth and I can only nod.

“That’s right,” your words have a reassuring tone. “Stay quiet, get out of bed, take my hand and follow me. I am going to take you somewhere.”

I do as I’m told. A lot naked and a little afraid.

You open the garage door and lead me down the few carpeted stairs leading to the chilly pavement. A shiver runs through me and I can’t tell if it’s the cold or fear. I hear the truck’s hatch as it pops open. Your hands envelop my curvy waist as you guide me toward to the back-end of your Jeep.

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Foundations

Foundations

Foundations
by Kate Nash

Thursday night,
everything’s fine,
Except you’ve got that look in your eyes,
when I’m telling a story
And you find it boring you’re thinking of something to say.
You’ll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I’ll use that voice what you find annoyin’
And say something like
“intelligent input darlin’ why don’t you just have another beer then?”

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we’re with will be embarrassed,
and I won’t give a shit.

[Chorus:]
My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can’t.
And everytime we fight I know it’s not right,
everytime that you’re upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can’t.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
’cause I am so bitter.
I said “I’d rather be with your friends mate,
’cause they are much fitter”

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

[Chorus]

Your face is pasty,
’cause you’ve gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don’t want to look at your face,
’cause it’s making me sick.

You’ve gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I’ll leave you there till the mornin’,
and I purposely won’t turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I’m not stuck with this one.

[Chorus]