Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Oops! I did it again…

It turns out I like this being-passive-aggressive-thing when dealing with Loserman

Loserman did NOT work on my truck, Bear, last weekend like he promised (but he did manage to move it to the other side of the parking lot – something he’s also supposed to be doing).

So, I called him Monday morning while I was driving to work.

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Sexy Security Blanket

It’s not the sex


It’s the closeness I feel

When you fill me up completely

It’s the security I feel

When you’re buried deep inside

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Last Night’s “Good Night” Texts

Loverman is so sweet:Cold Cold Hearts

I’ve been here at work and safe. I blank you (because we don’t say “love”, we just say “blank”) so much because I know you better and that makes me better. We had this guy that had a seizure at work last Friday…

…His roommate stated that he is in ICU and not looking good. He also had a stroke. I looked at the video and did not like what I saw. No quick response…

…from Security staff or Event service staff. I’m mad at our team for not responding quickly to the scene. He is a nice guy and I hope he will pull out of it…

…It truly made me think of you. Hope you have a good night, sweetie!

I occasionally have seizures. I have mentioned it here a few times. It’s not epilepsy because I started having them when I was an adult. It’s been over 3 years since I had my last seizure and I think I’m done. Doctors, 4 different Neurologists, ran all sorts of tests on me and none of them could figure out what was causing them.

Well… I stopped doing meth 6 years ago and I had all my rotten teeth removed two years ago… *I* think that it was all the bad shit I was putting into my body that was causing the seizures (rotten teeth counts as bad shit)!

Long story short… Loverman was the one that was there for me for my last two seizures, so this is a subject that hits kind of close to home for him.

The first time he ever experienced a seizure, he was laying in bed next to me. We were asleep and he says I started rusting around in the bed and then I just started convulsing. There was nothing he could do but wait and be scared (because what was he going to tell people?!? We’re having a freaking affair!). He woke me up when it was over and told me what had happened. I argued with him because I didn’t “feel” like I had a seizure — 2 hours later my tongue started swelling up in my mouth and I could barely talk. That’s when I started believing what he told me… but I didn’t have to go to the hospital for that one and there was no memory loss… THAT part is strange — usually I am very foggy after a seizure. Maybe because I was asleep when it happened…

The next time (and my last seizure), we were working at the hotel together and I had one while I was at the front desk. It was 3rd shift and Loverman was the first responder for that one, too. He waited with me until the ambulance came. I can’t remember any of it. I can only remember waking up at the hospital thinking “What the fuck is going on?” and probably looking scared as hell. The nurse waiting for me to wake up told me what happened and then she said, “Check your phone. Someone from your job called and told us to have you check your phone.”

Loverman had sent me a text explaining what had happened at work and it also said he would be at the hospital to pick me up and bring me home as soon as he finished up with his reports for the night.

He is such a wonderful, thoughtful man and I am so glad I was lucky enough to find him!


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Michty_Mac_Handcuffs_2I want to tell Loverman about a fantasy I’ve been having recently. I’ve had it on and off in the past (because he’s a security guard), but role-playing fantasy isn’t usually my thing. Maybe it’s the books I’ve been reading lately, because not only do I want to DO it, I want to tell Loverman that I want to do it!

Hopefully this could be a game that he might like to play, too.

Every once in a while I share something with him. Like when we were on our way back from our KC sk8-venture and we stopped at the Adult Store on the way home. While were in there looking and touching, I told him that I would like to get one of those remote-control vibrators and have him put it on/in me (depending…) and just play with the remote whenever he feels the need: at the movies, at dinner, while we’re strolling through the mall, etc… I even showed him the one I thought would work best and asked him what he thought about it. He was deeply concentrating and never answered; I’m not even sure if he heard me (though I’m pretty sure he did).

We have a date night tonight and I am thinking I could “bring it up” with him this evening. I keep re-running scenarios over and over in my head; I have been for the last two weeks. Maybe I will have enough courage (wine) to tell him about one of them.

I’m sitting at the bar and minding my business and up comes Mr. Loverman-Security-Guard with a simple, “Excuse me, Ma’am, but are you xxxxx?”

Ummm, yes officer. Is there something wrong?

“Ma’am, I am going to have to take you with me for questioning. Please be cooperative. I don’t want to make a scene.”

sexy cop


Saturday’s Disagreement

Last weekend was long, but not in a good way!

Loverman and I had a “disagreement” Saturday morning (I choose that word intentionally because it wasn’t really a fight or an argument). We pretty much agreed to disagree, but I didn’t have any good feelings about it.

  • He wanted to walk 50+ blocks (no shit!) to his friend’s house after he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and just worked an 8-hour security patrol shift (walking!).
  • I wanted to drive him to his friend’s house: it would only take 30-40 minutes round trip.

Here’s the deal:

As you may or may not know, Loverman has been using my truck (Bear) 3-4 days a week because his truck (Broken) is going to be repo’d any day now and it drinks gas like the tank has a leak or something! Most of the time it’s just cheaper and easier to use Bear.

Friday night I stayed at home and he drove Bear into work (he works 3rd shift). When he was done with work the next morning he was supposed to come and get me and then I would bring him to his friend’s house so he could get some sleep and we could run our errands — Saturday mornings I take Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 to the grocery store for the weekly shopping and they like to leave kind of early to avoid the crazy crowds.

Loverman texted me at 6:45 Saturday morning to ask if he could go home quick to take a shower and I replied, “Yeah”.

It takes him 15 minutes to get to his house from work and then 20 minutes to get to my house from there so I figured he would get to my house in about an hour or so. No big deal.

Anyone who knows me (including Loverman) knows that if you really want to piss me off, make me wait. Time slugs along for me and I get more and more agitated as the minutes click by. I expected that Loverman would be to my house at about 7:45, but I didn’t get his “I’m leaving now” text until 7:50! Knowing that it takes 20 minutes to get to my place from his, I recalculated… Okay, 8:10 now…

Both Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 were awake at this point and chomping at the bit to go to the store.

I could detail it all out for you, but I think you get the picture — Loverman didn’t get to my apartment until 8:30. I had been sitting and, unsuccessfully, trying to wait patiently, but was starting to seethe and I really wanted to holler at someone (Loverman).

When he finally got there, I didn’t yell at him like I wanted to. I just got into the passenger seat of my truck and (didn’t slam the door — yay!) said, “We better get going. It’s getting late.”

I must not have said it the way I meant to because Loverman asked, “What’s wrong?” (that, or I had the “death glare” goin’ on)

Me: “I thought you would take less time than you did. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 are already up and anxious to get going.”

Loverman: “I didn’t take that long!”

Me: “You took almost two hours. I didn’t think it would be that long when you texted me, ‘See you in a few minutes’. I thought you understood I needed the truck this morning for our errands.”

Loverman got out of the driver’s seat and started getting his bag out of the back seat — I think he huffed at me, too, but I may have imagined that because I was angry.

At this point, I should have just let him go because he already had his mind set, but I really didn’t want to be the one responsible for “making” him walk 50+ blocks, etc… so I grabbed his bag and said, “Please don’t be like this. Why can’t you just let me bring you there? It’s only another 20 minutes or so.”

He was already walking away from me without his stuff; completely ignoring me. I ran to him and touched his shoulder, “Please don’t do this. I wish you would just get in the car and let me drive you. I will feel like shit all weekend if you stay like this.” (the guilt tactic did not work)

Loverman walked back to the truck with me, grabbed his bag and said, “Why should you feel like shit? You need to go and be with your family today. I’ll walk. I’m good.” (I still can’t tell if there was resentment in his tone or if I was just hearing it because I was so frustrated with him). Then he turned away from me and started his long-ass, lonely walk.

Like a teenager (because sometimes I want to act like one, too, dammit!!!) I slammed the truck door and went in to tell ‘my family’ that we could go now — the entire time trying to stop the tears from creeping out of my eyes. Of course they wanted to know what was wrong, so I just told them that Loverman and I had a disagreement about taking him ‘home’ and that he decided to walk. Both Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 said we could just go pick him up and bring him the rest of the way. I told them that there had already been a big enough ‘production’ and that Loverman had made up his mind.

The three of us went on and did our grocery shopping and errands. I didn’t want things to end on such a sour note with Loverman so, while Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 were in one of the stores, I called him totally not expecting him to answer (that’s the way it usually works with him: he gets frustrated with me and then completely shuts me out until he’s ready to be an adult again). He actually answered this time!

Me: “I was just calling to see if we could have the conversation we would have had if things hadn’t gone so wrong this morning. Was it busy last night at work? Did you get a nap before you had to go in? Did you eat?”

Loverman: “It was quiet last night and, no, I didn’t get a chance to take a nap, but I did eat.” He said that he was going to try to go back downtown to pick up his truck so he could make a payment on it and then go to the junkyard.

I asked him how he was going to get there — from 132nd St. to south of 1st St. — he said he would figure it out.

I told him that he could ask me for a ride if he needed it, I didn’t have afternoon plans.

There was dead silence.

I said, “You’re sick of asking me for help, aren’t you?”

Loverman’s response: “Yes. I am.”

We talked awkwardly for about 15 minutes longer. Neither of us apologized for our behavior. I asked him to let me know when he got to his friend’s house safe and later when he got to work safe and then we said our goodbyes.

I waited all weekend for him to tell me he was fine. He never texted me. It kills me when I think about it: how he can feel so comfortable ignoring me when he knows how much I worry about him (just as much as he fucking worries about me! Why are the ‘rules’ different for him?). But I made it through the whole weekend without obsessing on his whereabouts and whether he was safe because I figured he made his bed… He crossed my mind a few times and I will confess, most of those times, I wished total and utter misery on his lonesome soul. But I practiced self-control and didn’t ‘bother’ him all weekend long.

This morning I had to go to the clinic to get blood drawn and when I finally made it to work I still hadn’t heard from him. I text him every day when I get to work and every day when I get home from work — he asked that I do that favor for him so he knows I’m safe. Usually he asks about me if I don’t text him by 8:30 in the morning, but he didn’t this morning. So, I thought about ignoring him like he ignored me all weekend. The whole time I was waiting at the clinic I was tossed the idea around in my head, and then during the 45-minute drive into work (not obsessively, more fantasizingly). Ultimately I decided to be the better person and just tell him that I made it to work.

My text: “Safe at work. Had to go to the clinic to get blood drawn. Have a good day.”

Loverman’s response: “Glad you got to work safe.”

Not what I wanted or expected, but at least now I know he’s alive.