Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Struggling with Self-Love

I need your help…

How does one just start loving themself?

If they don’t already love themself?

My reason for quantifying it like that:
I think it’s hard – for a person who already loves themself, and has always loved themself – to understand or advise on this. I mean, what struggle does that person have to pull from? How can they sympathize? Read the rest of this entry »

Trust Yourself

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Monday Motivation: Self Love



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Monday Motivation: “I am that. I am.”

Everything that you see and love, you are connected to it

If you look at something and say, “That is so beautiful!”, then say “I am that. I am.”

We are all connected by energy

We are all the beautiful things that we see

…all the abundance.

We are that

Rock out your world

Rock out your life

You are enough and you are worth it

The world needs you




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My Infinity Ring

I don’t wear a wedding ring, but I do wear a ring on that finger.

(Doom-n-Gloom had a friend make us ‘temporaries’ when we got married and was going to get me one when we could afford it. The ‘temporaries’ wore out and I still don’t have a ring 21 years later. I didn’t even get an anniversary gift this year, but he got a bottle of scotch *sigh*)

Last year I gave it to myself for Christmas. It was on sale and, when I saw it, it made me think of how much I have done for myself over the past few years.

How I am always there for me. What I have been able to do for me.

I got it to signify my eternal love and steadfastness to my own self.

There are very few times I am not wearing it. I even wore it on my coffee date with Mr. X.

I’m sure that everyone else who sees it sees a wedding ring, but I don’t care.

I know why I wear it and that’s all that matters to me.



Being Self-Positive

One of the first two tasks given to me by Mr. X is to write a positive post about myself (the other is to let him know, every day before noon, that I am safe).


There are SO many things that I am proud of myself for! I guess I don’t sit down very often and quantify them.

While I’ve been growing, there have been times when I have wrongly given someone else credit for my own emotional advancement and I am so happy that I could see it (eventually) and give the credit back to myself.

When I *do* look at my accomplishments, I can’t believe how far I have brought myself since I moved to Colorado 7 years ago!

  • I made the choice to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed/pulled. That was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life because it really was the precipice of my “change”. It truly was like stepping off a cliff! It’s amazing how much having a beautiful smile to share with people has made a difference in me.
  • I love myself. I didn’t used to. Maybe I don’t think I am gorgeous or anything, but that’s not important anyway. I am a really freaking cool person! So much so, that I actually look forward to time that I get to spend alone with myself.
  • I never used to be able to go anywhere or try something new alone. It’s still a challenge for me now, but I can do it!
  • I kicked meth abuse. All. By. Myself! (I had to move halfway across the country to do it, but I did it!)
  • I have lost over 30 pounds and feel amazing about my body. The new self-confidence I feel from that is so empowering that I’m afraid I might accidentally use it for evil 😉
  • I am a totally awesome jam skater! It took so much work for me to get here (and the broken ankle). Other ladies watch me and try to emulate me. I have been watching one woman for over a year and she has come so far — most of her “moves” are very similar to mine. One of my friends tells me she wishes that she could skate backwards as well as I do. Last week a man came up to me and asked me how I turn so smoothly. The feeling is flattering and amazing!

My biggest problem now is learning how to deal with this new self-esteem thing. Feeling good about myself still feels strange.

It’s something that will take time for me to get used to.

I think I’m doing okay, though.  If I wasn’t, I would never have met Mr. X! 🙂


Word of the Day: Catalyst




  1. Chemistry . a substance that causes or accelerates a chemical reaction without itself being affected.
  2. Something that causes activity between two or more persons or forces without itself being affected.
  3. A person or thing that precipitates an event or change
  4. A person whose talk, enthusiasm, or energy causes others to be more friendly, enthusiastic, or energetic.

Word Origin & History

catalyst – 1902, formed in Eng. (on analogy of analyst) from Gk. kata “down” + -lysis “a loosening” (comb. form).


Loverman has been a great catalyst for me (see definition #3 above). I know that we have rough times and I complain about feeling alone and abandoned by him, but also I know that we have a “special” relationship. One that requires more patience and understanding. One where I have to understand that, even though it seems like I am always “coming in last”, really Loverman is “saving the best for last” (and I AM the best!!)!

I have confusing emotions tearing through my insides when it comes to my relationship with Loverman — emotions that I cannot explain or justify, they’re just there and I have to learn to process them. I have to learn to rationalize my fears and frustrations and communicate them to my most intimate friend. I have to trust that telling him my scariest, most overwhelming feelings will also act as a catalyst in our relationship. It might help him be able to express his most scariest and overwhelming feelings to me, too.

My move to Colorado was a catalyst (see definition #2 — although I think we may have actually “affected” the state of Colorado 😉 ) Coming here was the catalyst that brought Loverman and I together and, for that, I will be forever grateful! (He moved here, too, about 7 years before me.)

Both meeting Loverman and moving to Denver, are the catalysts that helped me break out of my invisible shell (I say “invisible” because I didn’t know it was there). I have learned that I love myself very much. I also learned that wasn’t truly myself before. I used to worry so much about whether my parents thought I was doing the right thing, or if it was something Mr. Doom-n-Gloom would like.

Now, I worry about what *I* like and what *I* think about myself because eventually I realized that it isn’t what I have on the outside or what other people think of me that makes me wonderful, it’s what I have on the inside — and I love my inside! Finally!

Has there been a catalyst in your life? Do you need one?

Carla Higgs and the Bosons presents: Catalyst by anqila

Carla Higgs and the Bosons presents: Catalyst
by anqila