Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Leaving Alaska (Finally!)

Mid-December I broke up with Alaska via video:

It lasted all of 2 weeks

I took him back because he agreed with what I said

And told me he would start trying harder

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I Hate Myself for Loving You

But I guess that’s kind of what love is, right?

Before my skate trip to Houston in February, I mentioned to Alaska that I might like for him to pick me up from the airport when I returned.

At that point, it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other and I was really starting to miss him. Even for my extracurricular escapades and the fact that we’d been communicating nearly every day, I missed the hell out of him and wanted to feel his gigantic chocolate body next to mine…

When he couldn’t make the effort to come and get me because he was showing houses to a client he already admitted to disliking immensely (AND after knowing about my trip for over a week), I composed my little note to him on the train/bus ride back to my apartment.

And later, when I texted him I’d made it home safe, he simply answered: masturbate for me now and send me the video


Just do I as I say

This made me even more upset with him, but I did as I was told…

Before I fell asleep, he did send me a “good girl” 😉

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Quote of the Day: Albert Einstein



My Grandiloquent Craig’s List Experience (aka: get ready, this is gonna be a long one)


Last week I thought I would try something new and check out Craig’s List. It was interesting and seemingly more honest than any of the actual dating websites that I have been trying. (Don’t bother with Zoosk. You have to pay for everything.)

I was going to show you part of his original posting here, but it looks like he’s taken it down. Let me just say that it was quite loquacious and leave it at that.

I will be referring to him here as Shakespeare.

Very shortly you will see what I mean and why.

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Just Fucking Tell Me

There was supposed to be a real-life story that goes along with my question, but I just couldn’t articulate it well.

I am so emotionally conflicted about it that I am having a hard time putting it in words. Probably because it hits so close to my heart right now… I’ve tried typing it out and I’ve tried writing it down.

No matter what, I can’t make the story come together congruently. Read the rest of this entry »


Is My Only Answer Just To Give Up?

Sometime Monday Loserman moved my truck. He didn’t tell me he did it. He didn’t post any updates on Facebook about it…

(wait a sec, let me just go check…)

Ok, so far nothing yet…

When I got home from work Monday night, Bear had been moved back to the original parking spot he had before he completely broke down (and had to be rolled to wherever he could fit).

I sent Loserman a text message that evening to thank him and wished him a good night.

No response….


You shouldn’t be.

I’m not


While I was writing the other day’s post, I realized something:

As long as Loserman holds my truck ‘hostage’, he also holds me hostage.

As long as he continues to withhold information from me in regards to the repairs on MY beautiful Bear, he is still in control of me.

Almost every single day stupid Loserman passes through my thoughts and I feel so lost in what I should (or can) do.

Because he maintains total control of my truck parts and my repair manual and the time line, at this moment my hands are tied (and not in the fun way).

It would be easy enough for me to buy a new repair manual, but as for the parts, I NEED him. I don’t know what he has, what needs to be ordered, how long it will take…

I don’t know pretty much anything.

Because he is keeping me in the dark.


I can only ask him to give me my stuff back so I can (somehow) figure out what to do with my truck.

Without Loserman.

But, even if I ask him, he still maintains all control. He can decide not to give me back any of my stuff, even though I *wish* he would.

I want that more than anything at this point: just give me back my shit and be gone. I am completely “wore out” with these shenanigans.


My dream truck: the one we were going to rebuild, repair and repaint together…
He has steps and a push bar for Bear in his storage unit; we’ve been trying to agree on a color to paint him…

It’s so disheartening because there’s nothing I can do.

Absolutely nothing at all.

If I ask him for my things, he can still choose not to give them back to me.

How do I break the control?

Do I have to give up on my truck as completely hopeless and just move on?

Is that really the only way?

He already ran my heart through the wood-chipper, now he has to force me to give up my favorite thing, too?!?!?!

I really can’t do it.

I can’t give up my beautiful Bear…


Protected: I Am So Naive

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Worry Is Stupid

No matter how much you do it

Nothing changes



Why do good feelings have to feel so good?

It’s so the bad ones can feel so bad.

Feelings On-Off

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