Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Waking Dream…

… I wake up to a gentle nudge at my side and then feel something being slipped onto my head and over my eyes. It’s soft but tight, and once it’s in place I truly can’t see anything. You lean in to me and whisper in my ear “Do you trust me, baby?”. I try to answer, but you put your hand over my mouth and I can only nod.

“That’s right,” your words have a reassuring tone. “Stay quiet, get out of bed, take my hand and follow me. I am going to take you somewhere.”

I do as I’m told. A lot naked and a little afraid.

You open the garage door and lead me down the few carpeted stairs leading to the chilly pavement. A shiver runs through me and I can’t tell if it’s the cold or fear. I hear the truck’s hatch as it pops open. Your hands envelop my curvy waist as you guide me toward to the back-end of your Jeep.

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Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten

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Our First Night Together

Thursday, late afternoon, Mr. X texted me our hotel address and room number. He would be picking up some family at the airport and dropping them off at home; after that he would be on the way to meet me.

There was a key waiting for me at the front desk and he asked if I could pick up some dinner on the way…

Of course, Mr. X!

Subway it was 😉 I got a foot-long cold-cut combo and salt and vinegar chips to share.

Later when we were eating he commented on how he really likes salt and vinegar chips…

It’s just a little thing, but I like discovering our commonalities… Like when he found out that I prefer to drive a manual transmission vehicle, that our favorite color is green, or when I found out that he likes coffee and also eats healthy food (Doom-n-Gloom and Loserman are both very anti-healthy-food)…

One of the first questions I had for Mr. X, while we ate dinner, was “Since you’ve been married, how many other women have you slept with?”

His response was, “I haven’t really counted honestly.”

I giggled and then asked him to remind me how long he has been married. “13 years,” he said.

“Ummm, I see… So, how many do you think?” I persisted.

“Definitely less than 10, probably like 5 I think. I didn’t start cheating on her until like 2-3 years ago.”

Another giggle from me, then I said, “You’ve been kind of busy…”

The subject evolved to different hotels in the city. It turns out that he takes his wife out on date nights and they will make an entire night of it, movie, dinner, room, etc… And, of course in my illicit ‘relationship’ with Loserman, I have stayed at several hotels as well.

We discussed the good the bad and the ugly hotels in the area while we finished up our sandwiches.

**I also found out he hasn’t started reading my book. You know, the one I finished right before our last rendezvous and gave to him so he could review it???** That was disappointing… But I know he’s busy with family life and it was just the holidays.

We moved over to the bed and started undressing each other (that part always goes better in my head – there doesn’t seem to be a sexy or easy way to take of 3 layers of a man’s clothing).

He let me be on top first.

But he was still in charge.

When I would start going too fast or I would pull him out of me too far, he held my hips firmly on his. He was deep inside me and simply gyrating my pelvis on his made me cum several times. When he started stroking my clit with his thumb, I came so hard that I saw stars.

It felt so good and I couldn’t stop.

I was still straddling him when he wrapped his strong hands around my neck and started to lightly squeeze my throat. I could still breathe without much struggle; there was just enough pressure on my windpipe for me to wish there was a little more. Would he let me pass out? Would I like that? How was he feeling at that moment?

I savored the moment of his dominance, focused on the sensation of his control over me and I thought, How does this make me feel?

As many of you know I have a very heightened lack of self-control and as a result, I have had to overcome some self-destructive tendencies.

On that note, it was nice to feel like he was “destroying” me. I liked letting him have his way with me. I wanted more.

I felt very vulnerable, giving my self to this man and trusting him with it. Trusting that he cared about my self enough not to take things too far…

*I* can’t even to that!!!

It’s very difficult describe how I felt; I liked it very much – knowing he could destroy me, but he wasn’t…

I nuzzled at his hands as they were gently strangling me, lightly overpowering me. I liked it and I wanted to show him.

We orgasmed together like that…

Later I even had the opportunity to practice my oral skills and I even got my spanking 😉

Finally! Someone who could take me seriously. Someone who smacked my ass hard enough that his palm probably burned a little afterward. (I didn’t get to survey my ass when he was done, but I suspect the devil-kitty side was quite red when he was finished with her).

Hello Kitty Devil

He even mentioned it the next morning while we were eating breakfast together:

Oh! I didn’t give you that spanking this time either.

Yes you did. You got that one side very well! I’m surprised it’s not still glowing this morning…

I smacked you an even number of times 😉

Hmmm… Did you? Was that number divisible by four, because I really like numbers divisible by four? They’re my favorite!

Yes! I’m sure I did 😉
But I suppose
next time you’ll want me to “balance it out”?

Of course…

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How Long Must I Wait…

… for my release?

I am horny and frustrated.

Pent up and repressed.

My imagination constantly returns to thoughts of pleasure and appeasement.

Not knowing when…

Is this a test? (is that a stupid question?)

Is this a part of my ‘training’? (and this as well?)

Would it be easier if I knew…

How long must I wait?

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Date #2 With Mr. X

Last Friday we were having our morning “check in” talk and Mr. X told me that, for what it’s worth, he was sorry about the way things ended with Loserman. How sweet was that? I really appreciate his acceptance of me as I am. I mean, I put it all out there for him to see! It’s nice not to have to pretend for the first few “dates” until the ice is broken.

Also, I love having a daily check-in with him. It helps reassure me that everything is “okay”. You know how bad I am with that kind of suspense 😉

On another note, I keep expecting for him to ask me questions about what he’s reading on my blog. I wish he would ask more or say more or something. Some days, his silence is my suspense. Here’s what he’s said about my blog so far:

1. I need to keep it up just as I have been, talking about what I have been, etc…

2. What he said about being sorry Loserman ended it the way he did

3. He mentioned that he wished my post about our first date had been more positive about myself. Subsequently, he asked me to write a positive post about myself (so I wrote two! 😉 ).

I am going to have to be at peace with this thought:

If Mr. X has anything to say about my blog, he will say it. That is the way it has been and that is the way it will continue.

I worry too much!! Mither (1 of 2) Eventually I asked the inevitable question: when would I be able to see him again? And it would be perfectly okay if it was just a lunch meeting.

He answered, “How about today?” I was surprised! Honestly, I expected him to say Tuesday or something.

I don’t remember exactly how I responded, but it was like, “Same time, same place?”

“Okay,” he replied.

The butterflies in my stomach were doing flip-flops, I felt a surge of wetness in my panties. We talked a little bit longer and then hung up.

A couple of hours before we were to meet, he messaged me that he would be a little late. We ended up meeting 30 minutes later than originally planned. No matter. I was happy he told me at all! The consideration felt very nice.

It was wonderful to see him. I have been busy at work finishing up a part of the budget I didn’t think I was going to have to do, finalizing November’s numbers and also dealing with some more drama from the Atlanta ladies. Seeing Mr. X was a very pleasant diversion (although it did make it more difficult to concentrate on anything but him for the rest of the afternoon).

I enjoyed his company very much and felt more relaxed this time around. We spent a lot of time gazing into each others’ eyes and he kissed me a lot more. Even while we were sitting across from each other at our tiny table!

The way I feel around him is amazing! I feel pretty and intelligent and captivating and sexy and worthwhile. I completely understand that *I* control the way that things make me feel, but Mr. X sure makes it easy for my feelings to go in a positive direction!

When we first sat down, I mentioned to him that he was setting the bar pretty high for himself: talking to me every day, his incredible attentiveness… His being able to make this kind of time for me on an ongoing basis might be difficult to maintain. I am starting to really enjoy it and it’s something I could definitely get attached to.

I believe his response was, “I want to make that time for you. I enjoy talking to you and I don’t think you understand how often I really think of you.” (OMG – I think about him all the time!)

At one point he asked me if I would liked to be spanked for fun or for punishment. I think I blushed a little and I really didn’t know the answer. He answered himself quietly, “I will figure that out myself.” Now that I have had time to think about it, I have an answer!

Sweet Mr. X, spanking me with your hand would be fun for me. Punishment spanking would be you using something that isn’t you – something that doesn’t allow for direct contact of you to me. For example: a riding crop or belt 😉

While we were chatting I interrupted him. Probably a hundred times, actually. But, I remember once in particular because he was outwardly assertive with me and it really turned me on! He looked at me with a gentle smile, his hand raised a little bit to the side of my face (but not too close), and sternly told me to stop interrupting him. He really didn’t like that. Then directed me to look at his left hand positioned to ‘slap’ me. Immediately I felt a warmth surge between my legs (again!). And I stopped interrupting (I think).

I am not adding this to excuse my behavior (I guess maybe I am…), but interrupting is something I do when I get excited. With some of my friends, it isn’t a problem, it’s like we talk back and forth bouncing off each other like that; that’s how we talk. With other friends, it bothers the hell out of them because it seems like (to them) I am not listening; when really I am, I’m just so excited/intense/afraid I’m going to forget.

(I have a feeling that this will probably be the reason for many of my “reprimands” in the future.

I look forward to that part of my education 😉 )

It seemed like time had slowed down for us while we were together, but eventually it had to end and he walked me out to my truck, where he devoured my mouth with his most sensuous kisses yet. Later that night, I wrote him how they made me feel (at his insistence):

I truly am surprised I could stay standing after you left, let alone be able to turn around and get into my truck and drive away. My body was trembling and I had to take a bunch of deep breaths before I was able to go into work. My panties were wet almost all afternoon and I can still feel my pulse in my pussy now as I am writing this! I can only hope they made you feel half as good as that!

My panties were squishy for the rest of the afternoon and he has directed me not to masturbate until we have a chance to be intimate together. The suspense is killing me!

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A New Book

I ordered myself a new book. It could come as soon as Friday or as late as the day after Christmas (I am hoping on the former). I don’t have/do kindle and I would rather have a hard copy anyway.

I am really looking forward to reading it! I have a feeling that it might help a little in other aspects of my life, too – learning how to be submissive.

9113676

Submissive women have needs just like anybody else. But how can a woman get her needs met when she’s relinquished her power to her dominant partner? With warmth, wisdom and a down-to-earth approach, experienced submissive Kacie Cunningham analyzes the realities of the dominant-submissive lifestyle and suggests ways in which both partners can experience the greatest possible growth and pleasure. At the heart of the book is an emotion Kacie has dubbed “Conquer Me” — which she defines as “the submissive’s internal demand for a show of strength.” Without a clear understanding of “conquer me,” both submissive and dominant may find themselves at odds — either fighting unhappily, or watching the passion ebb from their relationship. This book explains this unique need and how to get it met — essential knowledge for any submissive or couple who wants to get the most out of their D/s lifestyle.”

I hope to read it and then share it with Mr. X.

Or we could read it together…

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