I decided to step outside my ‘box’ and try something a little different for a change. It is too comfortable in my little closed-off world and I need to start “BECOMING”.
Becoming what, I don’t have a clue, but I have been hating myself for long enough for no good reason.
So, this past Wednesday night, I attended a local monthly Submissive Group.
What daddy would like is for us to grow together and communicate better to make each other stronger. Because the stronger daddy’s sub is, the stronger daddy is
You make it sound so nice and perfect…
Well, it will take work and nothing is perfect
I’m glad you said that. Thank you!
Daddy gets this feeling that she gets a little more in to daddy every time we talk?
You are correct. Every once in a while when we’re chatting, thinking of you gives me butterflies… I thought my butterflies had left me.
That’s why I want to meet and see if we have any chemistry Read the rest of this entry »
whatever the fuck that means… It seemed fitting.
I haven’t been talking about Mick much on here because a ton of things have been happening in a very short time. I don’t know what I want to share and what I don’t.
We’ve spent one night a week together every single week since things got started with us at the end of February, nearly every single Sunday afternoon, a couple of Friday evenings, and we also meet most Tuesdays for ‘lunch’. Sex is only involved on the night we spend together. Tuesdays there is a lot of kissing and touching, sometimes he puts his hands around my neck… Fridays we just hang out somewhere cool, and Sundays seem to be our “talking day” with some kissing and touching and, once, sex.
We made our 6-month agreement on a Sunday and have been discussing our “relationship” pretty much every Sunday since then. Every conversation is a productive one, whether good or bad. He thinks all of them have been good; I think most of them have been productive but they have left me feeling like shit more often than not.
Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.
Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.
Hi baby doll,
I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.
There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.
Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.
Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read the rest of this entry »
So… Why did I change my mind and decide to let Mick have 6 months of my life and my self?
Basically it all boils down to the fact that he treats me the way I’ve always wished to be treated.
And it’s only 6 months, 180 days… If it doesn’t work, I didn’t even waste a year on trying to figure it out. Shit! I’ve wasted that much time on Alaska! Although it is much easier to figure things out with Mick because he communicates.
Mick has a girlfriend. I thought I could be okay with that.
More importantly, he thought he could be okay with that.
It turns out that neither of us is okay with that because, well, feelings…
Goddamn feelings!
I’ve brought them up already with him a couple of times.
After spending our second night together last Thursday, Mick took great care of me. When he finished whipping my back, he rubbed oil into the lashings. After he was finished torturing my nipples, he kissed them with his sweet, warm lips and caressed them with his tongue.
And I fell asleep curled in his arms, just as I like.
Since last Friday I’ve had these fucking feelings:
I like Mick. I want to do things with him. Things other than have him smack me around and fuck me.
It would be nice if we could walk across a parking lot, holding hands, without him thinking he just saw his girlfriend’s car drive by.
Or if we could talk outside anywhere without him worrying that we’ll see someone he knows.
He’s having feelings about all that, too. Along with feeling conflicted because he’s starting to care about me and doesn’t feel as comfortable physically hurting someone he cares about.
(get ready, this is gonna be a long one *smh* but also possibly very entertaining…)
I started a profile on FetLife a couple of months ago, but I haven’t done anything with it until recently. It probably has something to do with the fact that my first contact came on the first day and he was a total jerk that wanted to Top me immediately and get me into the group thing (and not the “munch” kind of group). He wasn’t even remotely polite about it either.
My profile blatantly states that I am totally new at this D/s & BDSM thing.
I told him that I was more interested in exploring things before I get into a full-blown orgy (although I might not be opposed to one at some point… I don’t know…) and that was the end of the conversation.
Well, last week when I ventured out again, I ‘met’ a nice man from Maine. He’s been spending time getting to know me. In fact, my recent venture into kinky erotica was first written in email-form to him. Not once has he asked me to call him Sir. We are just having respectful (and sometimes erotic and kinky) chat.
I ordered myself a new book. It could come as soon as Friday or as late as the day after Christmas (I am hoping on the former). I don’t have/do kindle and I would rather have a hard copy anyway.
I am really looking forward to reading it! I have a feeling that it might help a little in other aspects of my life, too – learning how to be submissive.
“Submissive women have needs just like anybody else. But how can a woman get her needs met when she’s relinquished her power to her dominant partner? With warmth, wisdom and a down-to-earth approach, experienced submissive Kacie Cunningham analyzes the realities of the dominant-submissive lifestyle and suggests ways in which both partners can experience the greatest possible growth and pleasure. At the heart of the book is an emotion Kacie has dubbed “Conquer Me” — which she defines as “the submissive’s internal demand for a show of strength.” Without a clear understanding of “conquer me,” both submissive and dominant may find themselves at odds — either fighting unhappily, or watching the passion ebb from their relationship. This book explains this unique need and how to get it met — essential knowledge for any submissive or couple who wants to get the most out of their D/s lifestyle.”
I hope to read it and then share it with Mr. X.
Or we could read it together…
Smitten with Him 