You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska

Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

Frustration

How many of you feel like it would be easier to give up than to keep going?

I’ve tried to adopt 3 dogs – 3 fails

I’ve stopped dating completely – again ultimate fails

Nothing brings me joy any more

Ok… to be fair, I look forward to alcohol 🍷

But is that really something to live for?

Ummm, no!

This is my last outlet. I no longer want to tell my ‘friends‘ that I’m feeling lost and want to die.

They call the cops on me and then I have to explain, to people that don’t give a shit, why they need to leave me alone because I’m “okay”.

Maybe if one of them actually came to me instead of calling the police….

But I get it, they’re scared.

Aren’t we all?

(Please don’t call the cops on me. I’m not okay, but they have way better stuff to do. Really!)

F*** Life

Seriously…

Life has been beating me up recently

It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about killing myself

(I do recognize how those two statements are related to each other in an evil downward spiral)

We’ll start in the middle because I don’t feel like writing about the beginning quite yet…

Suicidal Ideation

“A person with suicidal ideation may not ask for help. However, that does not mean help is not needed or wanted. Many people who die by suicide do not actually wish for death – they only want the pain to go away. Prevention of suicide begins with recognizing  the warning signs of suicidal behaviors and taking action.”¹

I need help…

Suicidal Tendencies

 

Suicide has always been something my brain tosses about when I get frustrated, but I never really talked to anyone about it because:

Why should they even care?

Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

What can they do to help?

Word of the Day: Futility

noun: futility

fu·til·i·ty

ˈfyo͞oˈtilətē

definition: pointlessness or uselessness.

example: “the horror and futility of war”
synonyms: fruitlessness, pointlessness, uselessness, vanity, ineffectiveness, inefficacy

Futility
by cidaq on Deviantart

I heard this song on the radio this morning and as I was listening I could only think: “futility”.

It’s a song I hear from time to time on the radio, it’s not that old, I have it on my MP3 player in the rotation and when it comes on I don’t skip it. I always thought this song was about suicide, at least that’s what it meant to me, but as I was listening to it this morning it’s meaning changed for me a little. I began thinking that it’s a much better description of the way I feel when I am overwhelmed with something and I have completely give up, or have already given up. I scream for the “Coast Guard” for help, but they’re just not there: “Please help me, I’ve thrown myself in the ocean with this horrible, terrible, no good, very bad choice and now I am drowning in the consequences!”

But now, after watching the video, I am wondering: did I miss the mark completely and the song is about stagefright? Or zombies? Vampires? What’s with the gas masks? Jonah? … … ??? If you know, please enlighten!

Into the Ocean

Blue October

I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I thought of just your face