Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Monday Motivation: Friends

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Friends

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The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu

copied from The Daily Zen, but I got the idea from a post on Om Swami

destroyed

He who rules men lives in confusion;
He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow.
Yao therefore desired
Neither to influence others
Nor to be influenced by them.
The way to get clear of confusion
And free of sorrow
Is to live with Tao
In the land of the great Void.

If a man is crossing a river
And an empty boat collides with his own skiff,
Even though he be a bad-tempered man
He will not become very angry.
But if he sees a man in the boat,
He will shout at him to steer clear.
If the shout is not heard, he will shout again,
And yet again, and begin cursing.
And all because there is somebody in the boat.
Yet if the boat were empty.
He would not be shouting, and not angry.

If you can empty your own boat
Crossing the river of the world,
No one will oppose you,
No one will seek to harm you.

The straight tree is the first to be cut down,
The spring of clear water is the first to be drained dry.
If you wish to improve your wisdom
And shame the ignorant,
To cultivate your character
And outshine others;
A light will shine around you
As if you had swallowed the sun and the moon:
You will not avoid calamity.

A wise man has said:
“He who is content with himself
Has done a worthless work.
Achievement is the beginning of failure.
Fame is beginning of disgrace.”

Who can free himself from achievement
And from fame, descend and be lost
Amid the masses of men?
He will flow like Tao, unseen,
He will go about like Life itself
With no name and no home.
Simple is he, without distinction.
To all appearances he is a fool.
His steps leave no trace. He has no power.
He achieves nothing, has no reputation.
Since he judges no one
No one judges him.
Such is the perfect man:
His boat is empty.

path

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The Far-ness of You

An Empty Coffee Cup Is Like A Broken Heart Both Are Waiting To be Filled Again

I’m cold

and I want to be warm

I’m empty

but I wish to be full

I’m lusty

with a need to be sated

Where have you gone?
Why have you left me?

Like dusk has fallen
Never to be retraced
I wait for a sun
Reluctantly replaced

Time erodes away from me
Oozing past as toxic waste
Again and again of you
I yearn to be graced

In vain, by your lovely presence
Your love for me has been displaced
Your nearness to me
No longer can I embrace

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Full Moon in Virgo

PiscesVirgo

picture from Explore Your Dreams: Pisces/Virgo Full Moon by Cathy Pagano August 29, 2012

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Dumbass

I talked on the phone with Loverman last Saturday morning. Pretty much the entire conversation just irritated the hell out of me. He doesn’t listen. We’ve talked about it in the past, but he doesn’t listen. He gets hooked on the first thing I say and then imagines in his head what he’s going to say the entire time I am talking. Not listening.

I thought it started out well. He was telling me about his week and how, for the last 3 days, he was so sick he couldn’t get out of bed. I asked if he was feeling any better and he completely avoided the question and started telling me how he called enough friends and rallied enough money to get his water turned back on. That was awesome! I told him good job and asked if he felt a lot better now that he had a little control over something. There was just uncomfortable silence.

So, I brought up the car of mine he just finished fixing.

Aside:
It took him 5 years, but it’s finally done! I understand that he doesn’t have a workshop and all sorts of other things. Which is why it took so long. At the beginning, when he first started working on my car, it bothered me how long it was taking. Eventually I started to realize that, the more I bothered him about getting it done, the less he actually worked on it. He is also that way with his friends when they need him to work on their cars. So, I stopped bugging him about it and, about 2 years ago, I had pretty much written that poor car off as a loss. Having it now is strange.

Usually, when he’s done fixing or doing something to my truck, Bear, he likes a total progress report of how the vehicle is running afterward. I thought he would want to know the same for Breeze. My mistake.

I told him, “When you turn on the headlights, the dashboard lights go out. But, when the parking lights are on, the dashboard lights work just fine.” (Also, after further investigation Sunday night, the tail lights aren’t working either, but the brake lights do. I didn’t bother to tell him about that, but I will have to do something about it if I want to drive the car at night…)

“What do you mean?”

“Ummm. When you turn the knob on the steering column to the ‘Headlights On’ position, the lights behind all the gauges go out completely. But if you just leave the knob in the ‘Parking Lights’ position, the lights show up behind the gauges just fine.” At this point, on this topic, I was starting to get irritated so I spoke very slowly and clearly. I was frustrated that he was being so dense.

“Was that a problem before you gave me the car to fix?”

“I don’t think so. I’m giving you a status report on the car after I’d had a chance to drive it a couple of days. I’m not complaining or anything, I’m just telling you what’s going on with it. That’s what we usually do with Bear when you fix him.”

“Well, if it’s something that was broken before you gave it to me, then I won’t be able to fix it for you.”

WTF? I thought. Is he cutting me off because we had a disagreement?!? “Okay. I got it.”

Then, like a dumbass, I asked him if we were going to reschedule our sk8-venture this fall since the one we had already planned was cancelled. Loverman said, “I thought we weren’t doing that now.”

Youre-a-dumbass

I was confused and didn’t know what to say to that, but I didn’t want to NOT say anything either. “I thought we were going to reschedule a new one. We just haven’t had time to talk about it. It has been over 3 weeks since we’ve had the chance to sit down and plan something out.”

“Yeah. Huh.” Was all he said in response.

“So, do you think you could say ‘Yes’ to me about this coming Tuesday? Maybe we can figure things out then.” (remember, this is before Mr. AM emailed me Monday morning)

“What do you mean ‘Yes to this coming Tuesday’?” He asked.

“You know, our regular Tuesday Date Night? We haven’t been together for a long time. I think it would be really nice if we both had something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know. I will have to let you know Monday.” (he didn’t, by the way. Hence the plans with Mr. AM.)

Near the end of our conversation, we were talking about something else and he called one of his “friends” dumbass. He refers to her as that frequently, he also calls his wife that and two of his other friends. I get that he’s joking, but he calls them that so often, sometimes I can’t figure out who he’s talking about. He sure has a lot of dumbasses in his life!

After he was done telling me his story, I made the mistake of asking him if he ever calls ME dumbass when he’s talking to his friends. “No, I call you by your name when I talk about you. Why would you think I call you dumbass?”

“Because you call all your other friends dumbass when we’re talking. I was just wondering…”

More awkward silence.

I asked him to be sure to let me know about date night sometime on Monday so I would be able to pack a bag. He agreed. The conversation ended uncomfortably.

Sunday we didn’t talk/text at all.

Monday morning at 8:15, I sent him my usual “At work safe” text. I asked if he was feeling better and said to have a good day. I didn’t mention date night at all.

When I didn’t receive a response, I decided to say “Yes” to Mr. AM.

Loverman finally responded at 2:30 yesterday (Monday) afternoon with, “Thank you for letting me know you are at work safe. I will check Breeze out.” He sent it twice.

I sent him one more text, at 9:49, before I went to bed that said, “I hope you are feeling better. Have a good night.”

I haven’t heard back from him since. I hope he’s okay and that he’s just sulking and have a huge pity-me party on Facebook.

But I think that’s the last thing I will do to initiate contact with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can reach out to me.

I don’t feel like chasing him down this time.

Chasing Rainbows by MrsFrenchFry

Chasing Rainbows
by MrsFrenchFry

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Beyond

Beyond the Sky

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