Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

A Whole Different Person

alone

Right now I am on my second visit to TC.

I have total mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am totally excited and then, other times…

I don’t know, you tell me –

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Making Up

TakeAway

Monday evening TC and I finally talked.

I didn’t want to go any longer without talking because every day that went by was making me panic more and more.

Also, there is the fact that I am supposed to be visiting him next Friday. That was freaking me out most of all.

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Disappointment

Disappointment

…or perhaps they *should* be…

A week ago Tuesday, two days after I got back from my visit to Houston, I had a job interview.

I was kind of excited about it because it would be working for a very large, very successful company with benefits that I do not have at my current position.

Conversely, the afternoon before, for extraneous reasons, I was seriously thinking about cancelling. But, rather than discourage myself further, I just decided that I was going to do it, or rather that I HAD to do it.

TC was excited for me. He took time out of his hectic morning to encourage me. It felt lovely! I was even going to post the conversation here, but my Verizon account is messing up right now and I can’t take screen pics of my texts *sigh*

I thought the interview went very well.

Once I finished up with the Departmental portion of the interview, they told me they would be calling me for a second interview so I could meet with the rest of the team.

After that I met briefly with the gentleman from Human Resources who had initially contacted me.

He explained that someone would contact me by Friday, August 7th either way: interested or not.

No one called…

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A Bone

Last night TC tossed me a bone, but I was so busy freaking out and trying to get him to talk to me that I didn’t see it.

I didn’t see it because he sent me the message on Facebook and I haven’t been communicating with him that way this week — it’s been text, email and Twitter. Also, I don’t have a smart phone, so I don’t get any beeps or signals that I have received a message/status update/etc. Unless you text or call me, you pretty much have to wait until I log into my laptop – and then to Facebook. TC is aware of this.

And I was using Twitter because he is my Twitter crush and that’s where we met…

I am sure there is something subconscious in there that wanted me to take our disagreement to a more “virtual” platform: like Twitter, where we started off anonymously, instead of Facebook where we are both real.

Or, maybe I wanted to take it there because that was our initial forum, where we first got to know each other…

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Fear and Excuses

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

All I am hearing from you is fear and excuses. Are you even attempting to understand what I am trying to say?!?

I am trying to love you!

I’m scared, too. I was scared of being vulnerable and letting you in, but now that I have, I’m scared of losing you.

I am trying to give you forgiveness, openness, honesty, gentleness and love. With all of my being I want to fight back and say mean things that hurt you and make you cry. I want your heart to bleed as mine is, but that is just plain mean and I don’t feel like being mean. I care about you.

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Replies

listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately I decided THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more than a bulleted fucking list

ToMe2

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Our First Fight

without

Ha ha ha. How cute, right?

Not!

Last Saturday night, while we were talking, TC confessed that he owed me an apology for thinking that I was a wimp (whiny pee-pee head is the word he used) when I was complaining about the heat in Houston on my first day there. I haven’t really made a big deal about this here but, over a week later, I am still reeling from the heat rash it gave me – I have complained to him a couple of minor times about it since I got home…

Anyway, even though he very sincerely apologized for thinking I was a whiny pee-pee head, I couldn’t shake it from my head all day Sunday and all day Monday. The fact is, until he told me that, I thought he was fine with me and the thought never even occurred to me that he would think I’m a pussy!

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Would You Fight for Me?

It seems like, when I choose a ‘partner’, I pick men who are emotionally unavailable – whether I know they are or not.

They used to be men who wouldn’t even take care of me, let alone “fight for me”. In fact, when I actually started needing my partner to be present in the relationship, neither of my long-term relationships lasted at all. Both of them discarded me easily when I started needing them as much as they needed me.

I hoped that this time, with TC, I chose differently.

belong

I want this more than words can express. But, is it possible that I do things to ensure my relationships won’t work?

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Love Me Reckless

LoveMeReckless

Sleeping with TC was just as wonderful as I remembered it. Whether he was conscious for it or not, each and every time his body realized it was without mine, he reached over and pulled me close. It felt so good to be held possessively like that by someone… To feel owned… And, after exposing myself so thoroughly to him… It’s very difficult to describe the content-ness I felt each time he wrapped himself around me.

We slept until at least 10 Saturday morning, and I slept better with TC than I have in a long time; especially because I am not used to sleeping with someone, and we have only slept together two other nights before.

All in all, Saturday was a strange day for me. I acted like every mixed nut in the bowl.

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My First Day In Houston

I had a big, long debate in my head whether I wanted to be verbose or just sum up my trip. There is going to be some of both, I think, and not nearly as much of the sexy bits as I might normally write, but we’ll see what happens…

TravelThe Denver airport was nerve-wracking!

  1. I thought that, at 4AM, there wouldn’t be so many people. The wait line was already an hour long. I have learned my lesson for next time.
  2. I was patted down by security for a metal object in my left back pocket. (I didn’t have a pocket in my sweatpants. I was wearing garter panties, but there was no metal in them… Later TC suggested maybe it was the plate in my ankle and they were reading it wrong…???)
  3. Security had to go through my bag right after that because the denture cleaner I brought set off their “alert” (powdered bleach… Again, now I know.)
  4. I was flying Southwest and had managed to get into the “A” boarding group. Yay! But, by the time I finally finished getting through security, my flight had already started boarding… *sigh*

Even so, I made it right as they started boarding the “B” group, so I got my window seat! I wasn’t particularly fond of the couple who sat next to me, but they didn’t smell… She just kept rubbing up and down my arm while she was playing video poker on her phone. That was all. Like for most of the 2 hour flight… But I got a window seat 😀

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