Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Confusion Tears

I don’t know, can you even call them that?

Am I confused or lost? Are they the same?

Hmmmm… And there’s double meaning to it, too…

What did *you* think I meant when you read the title of my post?

I meant the crying kinda tear, but after I looked at it a second time, it could also mean the ripping kind of tear.

Maybe that explains why it hurts so much – are my eyes crying because my heart is torn?

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On: Hating Myself

Last week Alaska and I were talking about general things and, I don’t remember how the subject of self-esteem came up, but it did.

I told Him that, every morning while I am doing my yoga, I repeat over and over to myself: “I am light, I am love, I am a gift.” (I have been doing this since mid-January.)

But, even though I repeat that mantra to myself day after day, I am still unable to feel love for myself.

I mean, I think I am a cool person, and I believe that I am indeed light and love and a gift and all that, but I still don’t love myself.

In fact, for all the good things that I allegedly am, I still pretty much hate myself.

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On: Being a Woman

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“Doctor, My Eyes”

Doctor, My Eyes
by Jackson Browne

…was I unwise to leave them open for so long?…

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Sharing Space and Mind

buddha_time

Last Thursday with Mick was better than wonderful.

(So far, we’ve had 3 overnights and have found time to see each other every Sunday afternoon as well. It’s not only sex with him. We talk almost once a day over the phone and are constantly emailing… At times I have to remind myself that this was how it started off with TC – that scalding flame burned out faster than the speed of light!)

I met Mick in the parking lot at our hotel after work.

After exchanging a prolific amount of hello kisses, he led me around to the back of his truck to show me something.

He had a tiny grill on the tailgate filled with hot coals. When I pulled up, he was just getting ready to put the salmon on.

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“She’s Beautiful”

Wednesday evening, before I went skating, I recorded a version of a lovely poem by Da Absentee – “She’s Beautiful” – and emailed it to him.

It is amazing and beautiful and traumatic and agonizing all at the same time.

Reading it was like he was in my head.

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