Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

“Shilo”

Happy Friday!

Dedicated to a friend who recently lost his dear companion….
I heard this the other day and thought of him ❤

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The Silent Treatment: Episode #2

We can't control who we meet or who we fall in love with, or whether we will have our hearts broken all we can do is hope that person loves us enough not to hurt us.

I have no idea why the fuck you are ignoring me this time!

It hurts me when you do that.

You know it

Yet you choose to hurt me anyway

Why?

Why do you do that?

There was something you said the other night as we were trying to get comfortable in bed together

Something hurtful about how you knew that getting stuck in two hours of traffic was going to come back and bite you in the ass

In fact, it is actually the choices you made leading up to that two-hour traffic delay that bit you in the ass.

You decided, at the last minute, after we had already made plans to be together, to drive 1 hour in the complete opposite direction to help someone you barely know fix his fucking vehicle.

Then you ran into “complications” and it took a lot longer than you had anticipated.

On top of it, you never called to tell me that you had decided to make this change in plans.

Well…

I actually wanted to call off the date at 8PM. I told myself that was as long as I was going to wait.

But, I waited for you 40 minutes longer than that

Because you called and stayed on the phone with me for those 40 minutes

Because I thought that was such a sweet and thoughtful gesture

Because I thought, together, we could overcome the horribleness of the evening

We have before

But, this time we did not

Maybe it was mecute quotes and sayings about love. cute love quotes and sayings

Maybe it was you

Maybe it was the fucking moon!

Maybe it was nothing…

But, does that make it okay for you to ignore me now?

To completely shut me out of your heart, where I am usually so welcome and comfortable?

Won’t you please tell me what I really am to you?

Am I your best friend, too?

Or am I just a convenient fuck-buddy who shares similar interests as you?

Someone who can easily be shunned or set to the side when you’re “in a mood” or you’re “wore out with it”?

How nice it is that you can just shut me out of your mind when the thought of me becomes inconvenient or unpleasant?

How many more times do you think you can do that to me before I stop calling you over and over again to see if we’re okay?

Before I stop sending you those good-morning texts to let you know I made it to work safe?

Lately, your fallback excuse has been, “I guess I’m just getting old.”

What happened to, “It’s my duty to please your booty!”?

Will you even notice when I am not around?

Will you feel that same emptiness in your heart as I do?

Like you’re missing a piece of yourself?

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The “Dry” Incident

Men — this is going to be a post about something ‘girlie’. Consider that your warning and stop here if you don’t want to be too grossed out — but maybe you should read to the end anyway, because I kind of have a question…

Flame_separator

Last week I mentioned that there was a “bad part” to our date night last Tuesday. It’s feels silly to me, but I want to talk about it because I totally didn’t know how to react and I definitely reacted badly (I think I am more ready now for when it happens again).

I am going to be 42 next week (the perfect age: the meaning of life) and my mother keeps telling me that I am going to “get menopause” any time now. I think it’s adorable (not!) how she talks about it like it’s a horrible disease or something.

Apparently “early menopause” it runs in the family and she just wants to make sure that I am keeping with the trend (my mother and I aren’t close AT ALL so this would be the VERY LAST thing on the planet that I want to talk to her about — I just read that women don’t even talk about this with their doctors!). Anyway…

Loverman woke up next to me in the middle of the night last Tuesday and tried, very amorously, to wake me up as well. It took me a few minutes to realize what was happening and sadly, Vanilla was fast asleep and didn’t want to have anything to do with Coconut. *I* sure did, but Vanilla was totally dessicated and she wasn’t about to let anything (or anyone) change that! I started to get physically uncomfortable after about 10 minutes and after about 10 more I started getting very upset with myself. Eventually, I had to ask Loverman to stop. It was sad (I was sad)

I got so upset with myself, in fact, that I started crying and (felt like I) needed to leave the bed. Loverman didn’t take it personally and was beckoning to me to get back into bed with him so at least we could cuddle. At the time, I wanted no such thing.

WTF?!?!?

For about 15 minutes I just sat in the chair across the room from the bed, sulking like a baby. Thoughts were spinning around in my head and I didn’t know which ones to listen to. I had just been woken up to something glorious and sexy, but my traitorous body had rejected it. I was so angry at Vanilla that all I could do was fight back the tears of failure.

I was completely upset with my hormones (or lack of). I felt betrayed by my own body!
I was thinking about how much of a let down I was (both to myself and to Loverman), knowing the entire time, that I wasn’t letting anyone down, it is just my body changing.
I was frustrated as hell that I wasn’t able to perform sexually for/with my partner and he was really into me that night.

But, it didn’t take long before I wanted to get back into the warm bed with Loverman and feel his strong, forgiving arms around me. I can’t believe how emotional I get about such uncontrollable things. I curled up next to him, with tears in my eyes. He had fallen back to sleep (see?!?!? It didn’t bother him at all! He didn’t take it personally…) and woke briefly when I crawled back into bed. “It’s okay, Mamacita. We can try again in the morning,” and he curled up behind me, drawing both his arms around me and he held me tightly in his arms as we both drifted back off to slumberland.

Is this how men feel when they can’t get it up?

 

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Random Thoughts I Need to Get Out of My Head

Kiss After the Rainby Leonid Afremov

Kiss After the Rain
by Leonid Afremov

He said, “That’s why I love you, Babe,” three times and I didn’t say it back. I don’t think that I was supposed to… All three times I leaned over and kissed him. He’s so sweet! I wanted to say it back. I said it over and over and over to him Wednesday evening while his head was resting in my lap. He didn’t hear me. He was asleep and I was only mouthing the words.

Both nights I slept like crap. I knew I would. It’s because I don’t want to fall asleep too hard and wake up to an empty bed. I want to cherish the moments I get to spend languishing atop his glorious chocolate body.

Time went entirely too fast. I tried with all my might to slow it down. It was lovely and wonderful and all sorts of things that words cannot possibly express.

It’s harder to keep the memories in my head. Is it because we’ve been together for so long? Is it because things are so comfortable and the same all of the time? I don’t want things to change. I don’t want these memories to fade. Remembering them makes me happy! Putting it here helps me remember…

I’ll be back later. To remember the wonderful two days and nights I got to spend with my sexy Loverman. Because I never want to forget…

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