Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes



Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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He threw me out like trash

Like not talking to me wouldn’t hurt

Fading away like a ghost

Who still lingers and haunts

Maybe that’s my problem

Why I can’t get over him

Why I can’t seem to really like anyone

Including myself

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” said Teddy Roosevelt

When will I stop comparing what I had with him

To what I could have with someone else?

Juggling boys like bowling pins

Two years?

Four years?

A lifetime?

Will time even help?



Long Term

I was completely blind(side)ed by Loserman when he stopped talking to me.

Finally, after a solid year without him (*mostly), I think I am able to start sorting things out.

from Pinterest

from Pinterest

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Everything Must End (aka This Cannot Possibly Last Forever)

Everything is a Dichotomy by Ratta

Everything is a Dichotomy
by Ratta

When I was a teenager I had a mantra to help get me through things that I wasn’t enjoying (mostly church). I would sit next to my parents on that stupid wooden pew and, in my head, I would chant:

This cannot possibly last forever, nothing lasts forever. This cannot possibly last forever, nothing lasts forever.

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6 Months

She Wants

It’s been a little over a week since Mick had his flashback.

We have since spent another Thursday night, Friday evening and Sunday afternoon together – with and without kink and completely without incident.

Other than the two posts (Sharing Space and Mind and About Last Night), I haven’t written about it because my emotions have been pretty scrambled.

Thursday night was special to me because Mick accidentally let me see a part of his inner self. But after that, *he* was having issues with letting his guard down too much with me and *I* was having issues with liking him too much.

Spending Friday night with Alaska was supposed to help put some distance between Mick and me. Instead, it put more distance between Alaska and me (which is what needed to happen anyway).

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Sharing Space and Mind


Last Thursday with Mick was better than wonderful.

(So far, we’ve had 3 overnights and have found time to see each other every Sunday afternoon as well. It’s not only sex with him. We talk almost once a day over the phone and are constantly emailing… At times I have to remind myself that this was how it started off with TC – that scalding flame burned out faster than the speed of light!)

I met Mick in the parking lot at our hotel after work.

After exchanging a prolific amount of hello kisses, he led me around to the back of his truck to show me something.

He had a tiny grill on the tailgate filled with hot coals. When I pulled up, he was just getting ready to put the salmon on.

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Fear of Feelings


After my post last week, Sex Is Brainier for Women, I’ve been thinking about oxytocin and how women have 10X more of it released into the body after sex than men. That’s huge (and pretty unfair, if you ask me)!!

Which led me to thoughts about testosterone and the male sex drive. Hmmm…

Maybe I have too much testosterone and that’s what drives me to conquer, conquer, conquer… But I also have all that oxytocin releasing inside me 😉 so I crave the bond that an ongoing intimate relationship creates.

Then I started thinking about how I don’t like to get attached to these guys with whom I am having sex because I “know” it isn’t going to last.

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I’m scared.

Scared of my feelings.

I like him so much.

Remember what happened the last time I fell so hard for someone…?

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The Far-ness of You

An Empty Coffee Cup Is Like A Broken Heart Both Are Waiting To be Filled Again

I’m cold

and I want to be warm

I’m empty

but I wish to be full

I’m lusty

with a need to be sated

Where have you gone?
Why have you left me?

Like dusk has fallen
Never to be retraced
I wait for a sun
Reluctantly replaced

Time erodes away from me
Oozing past as toxic waste
Again and again of you
I yearn to be graced

In vain, by your lovely presence
Your love for me has been displaced
Your nearness to me
No longer can I embrace

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Don’t Be a Hater

Some Angry People




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