Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

2 Whirlwind Weekends

So, I still haven’t told you about my two weekend whirlwind romance with Mr. Dreamboat. You know, the one who proposed on our first date?

For some reason or another, I’ve been putting it off. Not because it was bad or anything, but as it drifts further into my past, the less I remember so I best get to this…

Okay, I left off with our first Saturday morning together and his marriage proposal… From there I had a regular Saturday: grocery shopping, hanging out with my daughters and roller skating with my crew Saturday night.

Dreamboat asked me to come to his place and spend the night with him after skating. I mentioned that I would need a shower and would be famished. His response was, “When you get here just let yourself in. I’ll probably already be in the shower. And I’ll make sure there’s plenty to eat.”

What a sweetheart!

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Memories and Instant Karma – Together at Last

Wednesday was Loserman’s birthday.

It isn’t something that I can easily forget because it’s the day after my mother’s.

It was the first thing that popped into my head when I woke up that morning.

Not anything at all about the lovely date I had the previous evening with one of the Craig’s List gentlemen…

Nope, my brain went straight to Loserman.

To be fair, for the past 7 years, it is technically the first birthday of his that we haven’t been “together”.

So, I had the brilliant idea of sending him a text message to wish him a happy birthday (my brain still has his number memorized – he’s been deleted from my phone). My rationalization was that, hearing from me (of all people) so early in the morning would start his day off really super crappy.

It was my expectation that he wouldn’t respond at all and I could add that to my pile of reasons…

That whole idea totally backfired, of course.

He responded almost immediately, using my name so I would know he was aware exactly who the message came from.

“Thanks Smitten. I hope you have a great day too.”

Guess who’s day ended up being crappy…

Karma

 

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“Fall for You”

Fall for You
by Leela James

Here we are, together
And everything between us is good
I’m right here in this cloud, baby
Ready to fly but before I take
Another step

Would you catch me if I fall for you?
‘Cause I’m falling
I’m falling, I’m falling

I’m so used to standing
So used to being on my own
But this thing is new, baby
It feels like I’m losing control
I’ll take another step

If you catch me when I fall for you
‘Cause I’m falling
I’m falling, I’m falling

Will you promise to be there?
Stay by my side always?
Whenever I need you
Don’t let me down, no, no

If I give you my all, don’t let me fall
Would you do that for me, hold me?
Will you love, will you love me?

My heart is ready
For love and to be loved
And I chose you, baby
That’s the one thing I’m sure of
So I will take this one last step

So catch me, I’m falling for you
I’m falling
I’m falling, I’m falling

… … …

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A Whole Different Person

alone

Right now I am on my second visit to TC.

I have total mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am totally excited and then, other times…

I don’t know, you tell me –

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Us

I_BARE_SKIN

Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!

My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).

I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.

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Things in Twitter Crush Land…

…could only be better if we were able to see each other more often than…

say…

Never!

Other than that, I actually do appreciate all the time we have to spend apart.

We each have to learn how the other works and we have to discuss things.

Instead of just getting into bed every time we wanna fuck to forget, we actually have to deal with our shit. And we are dealing with it together. (A novel concept, right?)

That’s what we talked about the other night.

We talk about his family, his work, his friends.

His fear, his discomfort, his inadequacies.

We talk about me and mine, too. Read the rest of this entry »

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Monday Motivation: Getting Lost

LostWorld

LostKissing losttogether

LostTeddy

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Underwear

things

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Friday’s Text Conversation With Loserman

NeverGoBackKitty

(In case you don’t follow my blog and/or know what’s going on 😉 , you can read this post and this post to help get you get up to speed.)

I should first preface with this because I didn’t address it here last week…

A week ago Sunday (1/25) Loserman came over to work a little more on Bear and take out parts to see exactly what needed to be ordered. That conversation went badly because he wanted to go over and rehash old shit yet again. He is just going to have to agree to disagree on that note and stop blaming me for something over which he had complete control.

Right now I am trying to focus on getting Bear fixed. If Loserman wants to beat the dead horse that he left back in Kansas City last November, we can do that after he’s done getting his fucking work done on my truck.

That being said… Last week Loserman “rescued” 3 other people with car problems, fixed their problems completely and sent them off on their merry way when he was done. (Loserman is not a mechanic by trade, he’s a security guard. He does favors for people on the side, when he can.)

I know this because he posted it all on Facebook.

LosermanFB1Yes, Loserman could have done the work and it would have been done right. However, his Over Night Lead Officer would have had to wait interminably long to have it completed.

LosermanFB2He towed and fixed a friend’s car in addition to the co-worker’s.
He’s always posting shit like this. Is he a teenage girl? His ‘friends’/family used to make comments and “like” these status updates, but less and less people have been.
He’s a 45-year-old man…

He must’ve posted this next update because only one person commented on the others.

LosermanFB3

Good for you, mother-fucker! You’re great at what you do… When you decide to fucking DO it!

I wanted to respond, “Hopefully he’ll call a mechanic. You’ll take 3 years to fix his shit and he’ll have to buy a different car in the interim.”

But I didn’t.

Funny thing is, that ‘mother-fucker’ was supposed to be working on MY truck last week: moving it so it doesn’t get towed, and telling me what parts he needs me to order. He promised that he would stay in communication with me.

I didn’t hear jack shit from him all week.

I’m not surprised.

I’m disappointed.

And absolutely infuriated! He is on my very last nerve and I just want to get my fucking truck fixed so we can be done with all this bullshit.

It’s like we’re in the middle of an ugly divorce and poor Bear is caught in the middle.

I wanted to know what his plans are to get my truck fixed, and he wasn’t posting updates about *MY* shit on Facebook, so I sent this text message to him last Thursday night:

LosermanText1

He didn’t respond, so I sent the exact same message again about 12 hours later.

LosermanText2

He responded within 20 minutes and we had the following conversation:

LosermanText3

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LosermanText4

Again with that “according to you” shit!!!

LosermanText5

LosermanText6

“Not to cause any problems” huh?

“Make things better”?????? Yeah, all that “According to you” bullshit just now really made it seem like you’re trying to make things better!

Every fucking time I talk to **you** I have question marks on my head with WOW at the end (and then a whole bunch of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!).

I just tried to be nice to him, thanking him, telling him he’s good at fixing shit. That’s when he starts to pick a fight?!?

But, here’s me, still trying to be nice. Trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Trying to keep him focused like I used to be able to.

LosermanText7

No response after that.

No email.

Saturday came and went. No Loserman.

Big surprise, right?!

Then, around 11PM Saturday night it started snowing. The sky dumped 6 inches on us in 3 hours and Sunday morning was beautiful but there was no way Loserman would be moving my truck over the weekend.

Like he promised…

If he would just fucking do it, then it would be done and I wouldn’t have to be nagging him all the time.

I’m frustrated out of my brain about this!

I hate how he’s treating me. He’s basically castrated me of all my control of MY OWN STUFF!!!

He literally has half of my engine with him as well as my Haynes manual. So, even if I wanted to do it myself, or find and pay someone else to help me, I fucking CAN’T!!!

Every day it eats at my insides and makes me hate resent him more. I’m freaking out constantly that my beautiful Bear will get towed.

And he doesn’t care a fucking bit. Even after I told him that I am freaking out every day about it, and HE KNOWS, he just lets me freak out every day about it.

He just lets me freak out every day about it.

*sigh* This is how he shows me that he doesn’t care.

And he shows me

Every

Single

Day

I remember “the olden days” when Loserman and I would have fun, sexy or productive conversations. When we would be able to get things done together and harmoniously.

I miss the olden days…

 

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I Miss Us

The other day my broken heart felt like a panic attack

It started racing

My mind chased after

I had to remind myself to breathe…

Stop thinking…

“Why do you let him have that much power over you?” I asked myself

thepeacelovetrain-buddha

I miss us.

Not Loserman so much, but US…

What we were together

When we were awesome

Or were we ever really awesome?

Was I just lying to myself because I wanted us to be awesome?

I am SO angry with him for breaking us

For making me question what we were

I don’t even want us back

I don’t think we could even have us back

So now I’m trying to start fresh all over again

With someone else

Something different we’re learning together

It’s hard to be newly vulnerable and trusting

While I’m still hurting

But he’s being vulnerable, too

I am thankful for this blog so I can just word-puke it all out there

And I don’t have to try and explain all these feelings to Mr. X

He’s trying to help me, but I’m blocking part of myself from him

Right now I wish he could fix me

RIGHT NOW!!!

Beat it out of me

Spank it

Tickle it, kiss it, love it

SCARE IT OUT!!!

I don’t know, just make it go away!

The memories hurt and I want to forget every bit of it

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