About a week ago, Alaska asked me to drive him to a client’s upcoming new home (or however you want to say it. I’m not a Realtor® and I don’t technically care about the technicality of it 😉 )…
… because the new home buyers wanted to take some measurements for some stuff they were moving in and other stuff they wanted to buy, yadda. yadda…
The thing about it was, we had already made a different type of plan to spend time together.
Have lunch, watch some cool stuff on the computer…
Other stuff… (I really like the other stuff!)
Sometimes I really struggle with sharing an experience/encounter here on my blog.
And I wait…
Sometimes for shame, but other times because I don’t know how to write about it.
Or I simply don’t remember enough…
I used to think it was because I waited too long to share my moments.
I took a short grief quiz online a couple of weeks ago because this Loserman thing was making me nuts! I wish I could just throw the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy feelings away — or possibly donate them to someone who needs them more than I do… But, today I feel closer to being over it than I did when I took that quiz. So, that’s something, right?
Anyway. I ramble…
The results of the quiz stated that I could be suffering from “complicated grief”.
I thought, WTF? Isn’t ALL grief complicated?
I want so badly for someone to be proud of me and to tell me they’re proud of me.
To value me and help me feel that value.
To treasure me like I know I deserve to be treasured.
To wear me on his arm like a prize.
I do all that I like and enjoy almost every single day, but I still feel unfulfilled and I still struggle to fill that void.
I search for validation from my partner because, no matter how hard I try and no matter what I tell myself, I still do not have the power to validate my Very. Own. Self.
I want to bloom, but I don’t know how to nurture the tiny baby blossoms.
This was my response (with a few edits) to a comment made on my post the other day by luv2sex