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First Time Closeness

A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):

“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”

I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…

How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…

Firsts are special.

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Car Stress

Car Stress

Mick has really been quite a hero the past couple of weeks.

My roller skates broke and he fixed my old pair for me so I could skate while I was waiting for my replacements to arrive.

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Since then, my replacements have arrived and been customized to my standards 😉 and I think I actually like the old ones better now… but that’s another story… back to the hero part…

Breezy has needed front wheel bearings for quite some time. I purchased the parts and Mick did the work. We spent the Sunday afternoon together. First I had some things I needed to get off my chest but after that it was him working and me asking questions. Car fixing fun!! Soon we’ll be fixing the rest of Breezy’s littler issues. It’s such a relief!

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Fear of Feelings

Fear of Feelings

RoaldDahl

After my post last week, Sex Is Brainier for Women, I’ve been thinking about oxytocin and how women have 10X more of it released into the body after sex than men. That’s huge (and pretty unfair, if you ask me)!!

Which led me to thoughts about testosterone and the male sex drive. Hmmm…

Maybe I have too much testosterone and that’s what drives me to conquer, conquer, conquer… But I also have all that oxytocin releasing inside me 😉 so I crave the bond that an ongoing intimate relationship creates.

Then I started thinking about how I don’t like to get attached to these guys with whom I am having sex because I “know” it isn’t going to last.

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More Feelings or Introspection or Something

More Feelings or Introspection or Something

Sometimes I wonder if I am too overly critical of my partner. (Ya think?)

I mean, I am too overly critical of myself

Do I intentionally pick someone who cannot give me what I need and then hold them to some unachievable expectation?

Then they can never be what I truly want/desire in a partner?

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The End?

The End?

Loverman dropped me off at almost midnight Sunday night (almost two days early) and he took the catalytic converter (aka = cat) off of my truck, Bear, before he left. I have to pass emissions in January and he has been promising to replace my cat before then. We had a brief conversation about it on the hellishly-uncomfortable drive home.

He left and was supposed to text me when he made it home safe. I wasn’t at all surprised when he didn’t.

While I was getting ready for bed, I emailed Loverman a lightly-edited version of what happened last year. Re-reading it broke my heart; I was hoping that it might stir a little emotion in him as well. I didn’t expect that he would read it for a while (or at all), I just wanted to put it out there, so he could see how *I* remember last year.

I was finally in a peaceful place and relatively comfortable. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but at least it was comfortable. So, I fell asleep waiting on his text.

I woke up Monday morning and surprised the hell out of my family that I was home. I walked Thing #2 to school because she felt bad for my pathetic self. When Doom-n-Gloom got home from work that morning we talked briefly about why I was home so early. Thing #1 woke up later and we talked about what happened and she put a new perspective on things:

Maybe he was feeling really guilty about disappointing you so much all on the first day and he just couldn’t forgive himself for it. Then, when you didn’t get angry with him, it just festered inside because he had no way to release it.

Such a wise point.

Then, the other day, a friend commented:

I feel like after reading both stories that there is more to this story than either of us may know. Two things come to mind that may be possible…he thinks he knows something, like he saw something on your phone, or somebody told him something… or…There could be another woman. I don’t think it is anything you did, I think there is more to the back story than you may be aware of. That is what my gut is telling me…

NOTE: I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Maybe he found the condoms in my purse. Maybe he got divorce papers from his wife (he no longer has a relationship status on Facebook). Maybe he talked with his Mom about going to KC with me and she said something… I don’t fucking know…

Regardless, if he would have said something, then we could have talked about it.

Then I would at least fucking know…

At 9AM that morning I got a text from Loverman (he is RED and I am BLUE):

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That was the end of it.

Thing #1 and I sat and watched some recorded TV shows, I wrote a bit and the day passed uneventfully.

I did a lot of ruminating.

I went out and checked the center console of Bear to get my things and see what “Hawaiian Stuff” he was talking about. (Incidentally, he had found some marijuana ‘wax’ in a parking lot a few days before our sk8-venture. We were going to try it then. I had forgotten about it.)

Also, he left me his spare set of keys to my vehicles. They are were his spare set. They belonged to him. I gave them to him. *sigh*

And he left them for me on his JESUS-fish key chain.

You know…. If the douche-nozzle is trying to tell me something, why the fuck doesn’t he just say it already?!?!

For fuck sakes!

Was that him breaking up with me??? Because it sure as fuck appeared that way to me!

Please help me to understand this!?!

I moved away from the crazy state of Minnesota to get away from innuendo and passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m not going to play games with Loverman, no matter how much I think I love him! No matter how much he wants to!

So…

After no contact for over 2 days, Loverman posts twice on Facebook Wednesday evening.

NOTE: this is something on which I have very strong negative feelings: people airing their personal drama all over Facebook. To me, Facebook is a place where I keep in touch with the people I care about. If I have problems (aka: personal drama) with those people, I take it off-line and communicate with them like we are adults.

Because we ARE adults!

Loverman’s first status update was on his page:

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“Messed up a little bit”?!?!?! He’s kidding, right?

“My Fault!” ?!?!?! Was that an apology?

Were we even on the same fucking vacation?

Was that his way of saying that *I* fucked it up?!?!

(I hate feeling this way about him, by the way. I used to trust this asshole with my complete and total vulnerability! I think he is still buried somewhere deep down in my heart, but I can’t figure out what in the bloody hell is going on right now. Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone? Did I get hit by a bus and I am currently in a coma and this is all just a horrifically bad dream from which I will wake up and be relieved and thankful?)

He got his ass handed back to him in family comments on that post. Boy, are they angry with him for blowing them off! Especially his two eldest daughters. But, like both of them said, they’re used to it. *smh*

I swear he likes to fuck up so he can have people be angry with him. What the fuck is up with that?!?! For the record, I don’t actually want to be mad at him — it’s just that he was such an epically huge prick this time that it’s difficult to forgive/accept his behavior.

Then he had the balls to post a status update on MY page!!!! He couldn’t call me or text me or write me an email, or even fucking Facebook private message me?!! He has to post his stupid drama on my page; like I am some kind of 14-year-old-girl just like his ass.

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I haven’t ‘liked’ any updates or comments. I have simply replied, “You’re welcome” to his post on my page.

Maybe you all can provide me with some guidance and enlightenment because, I have no idea what to say.

And, right now, I think I’m okay with that.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability

I go for days without saying anything and then you can’t shut me up to save my life… Also, it doesn’t help that I have just finished drinking what I have determined to be “enough to help me pass out for the rest of the night” (be advised that there will probably be a rant-y post tomorrow about the things that I WANT – because, for fuck’s sake, I am really starting to feel like all I am is a purse that people reach into when they feel like they ‘need’ something frivolous *sigh* — except for Thing #1 and Thing #2, bless their loving hearts.)

My last post was difficult for me to finish. I started it three days ago feeling something totally different from what I felt when I finished it. Somewhere in the middle I actually wrote, to be deleted before I published it, “I can’t write this any more. I’m just not feeling it…” (there was more, but I deleted it, and I have been drinking tequila so my recall is severely impaired). Maybe you can tell what point that was, maybe you can’t, but I know and I can tell…

I find myself in this dilemma more and more often: I really, REALLY want him to be mine. (Maybe not mine as much as NOT HERS!!!!) While there are times when I can cope with being “last on his list” there are other times when I wish I was the ONLY one on that list. And those times are coming more and more often. This is exactly what I was feeling when I got all entitled with him, some time back, and he stopped talking to me. You will read a tiny bit more about that in a sec…

Who determines when we can or cannot be selfish??? I feel like a pretty selfless person most of the time. I try to base my life on gratitude. I try to think of all the things I am thankful for, every single day. I try to thank the people I am thankful to — and mean it. I even think of how I am even thankful for Mr. Doom-n-Gloom (that’s probably why I let him stay living in my home for so long). I want to emulate the inner peace of Buddha. But, I cannot possibly make peace with this one simple fact: nothing lasts forever.

Ironically, those were the words I told myself over and over again in High School and then again when Loverman wasn’t talking to me for 5+ months (3 years ago now? At least that’s how long I HOPE it was — I was so unhappy and empty and alone, and I tried to be happy; I TRIED to get past him). Those words worked magically in High School, I practically meditated on them. But no matter how many times I told myself those words when Loverman had left me, my mind always repeated back to me, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was meant to be.” Those words counteracted what I was trying to convince myself — NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY LAST FOREVER!

New thoughts…

I WANT to be vulnerable around Loverman, but every time I expose myself (and NOT in the flesh, that’s not a problem) I really want to pull myself away from him. It’s like I am looking for reasons to be mad at him. Usually I can rationalize with myself that I am begin IRrational, but when vulnerability is concerned I just can’t do it.

I am being oversensitive right now. Because I shared something with him that made me feel vulnerable, now that I can’t spend the ‘correct’ amount of time with him, my mind starts to tell itself that the reason he isn’t responding to me is because I scared him off by letting him see ‘too much’ of me.

Part of me that wants to fight those thoughts, but right now the ‘evil’ thoughts prevail. It has been this way all day so you can’t tell me it’s the tequila talking — that’s just what’s helping me be so forthcoming here. Right now my mind is telling me that he isn’t responding as much as I want him to because I scared him away or, even worse, he’s sick of me!

A lady that I work with is talking to me about these same issues. Today she told me that she looks up to me and how I handle things. Although I find that flattering, I also find it flabbergasting. Her father killed himself and I am trying to make heads or tails of my feelings about a fucking affair!

How fucked up is it that even that fact can’t bring me back to rationality?!?

Disconnected

Disconnected

Tell me please?

How to make the hurting stop?

Or just to numb a little?

It’s really so much easier to have a few drinks and fall asleep

The time will pass faster that way

And with less pain

I told him my heart hurts from missing him so much

It didn’t work

I still haven’t seen him
I still won’t get to see him

It’s like my heart is tied to his and it’s really a fairly long string, but
When the string gets too tight, it snaps
And I can’t feel him inside of me any more
I feel naked
Vulnerable
Lonely
Empty
Disconnected