Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska
Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

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Monday Motivation: The Future

Usually I don’t look forward

I typically look back when I’m trying to find answers

And place blame…

… searching for reasons to explain why I am who I am

Maybe my answers aren’t in my past

Maybe they’re in the present

Maybe I’m my only problem

I don’t want to be who I’ve become

But I can’t keep blaming my past

It’s over and what’s done is done

I may not know my meaning right now, but my future will help me discover it

It’s up to me to keep myself open and hopeful;

Try new things with an open and unjudging spirit;

Learn to trust my intuition again

The future can teach me more than the past ever could!

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Over It

Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.

In all honesty, I am disgusted.

Disgusted with him.

Disgusted with myself.

DIS – GUS – TED

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Monday Motivation: Authenticity


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Writing is Therapy

whatyouare

I’ve been remiss with my “therapy” and it’s been showing in my everyday life.

As my writing has dropped off, so have my spirits.

To be honest, I stopped writing because I was feeling stupid for the choices I was making and I no longer wanted to share them here for fear of being judged.

Because I am judging myself.

It’s already been 5 months and I am still trying *not* to hate myself for the choices I made with Jim/Mick.

…still trying to convince myself that the terrible things he wrote about me are not true.

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About Last Night

Below are my email correspondences with Mick the day after our choking incident/mishap/”episode”

JumpingIntoBed
Hope you’re having a good day! I saw this picture and it made me laugh. I love a good bed to jump into and have it fluff all around me. Work is creeping along here like a turtle. I sincerely wish I could be jumping into that fluffy bed next to you.

Last night was amazing and special and very memorable. Thank you so much for sharing little bits of your soul with me. Yes, you’ve told me that you won’t be able to talk with me about some of those things ever – just the fact that you stayed mentally with me last night and didn’t withdraw into yourself was very special and meant a lot to me. And I was only scared for a millisecond. When I saw your face, I realized where I was, that I was safe and heard the same song still playing (though I can’t remember what it is now 😉 )

Enough of that sappiness… You are great and wonderful and I feel ever so special when I’m with you – like I’ve never known! Thank you for a lovely night and morning!
Your Kitten

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Fear and Excuses

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

All I am hearing from you is fear and excuses. Are you even attempting to understand what I am trying to say?!?

I am trying to love you!

I’m scared, too. I was scared of being vulnerable and letting you in, but now that I have, I’m scared of losing you.

I am trying to give you forgiveness, openness, honesty, gentleness and love. With all of my being I want to fight back and say mean things that hurt you and make you cry. I want your heart to bleed as mine is, but that is just plain mean and I don’t feel like being mean. I care about you.

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Love Me Reckless

LoveMeReckless

Sleeping with TC was just as wonderful as I remembered it. Whether he was conscious for it or not, each and every time his body realized it was without mine, he reached over and pulled me close. It felt so good to be held possessively like that by someone… To feel owned… And, after exposing myself so thoroughly to him… It’s very difficult to describe the content-ness I felt each time he wrapped himself around me.

We slept until at least 10 Saturday morning, and I slept better with TC than I have in a long time; especially because I am not used to sleeping with someone, and we have only slept together two other nights before.

All in all, Saturday was a strange day for me. I acted like every mixed nut in the bowl.

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It’s not you, it’s me

It is *definitely* not you
It definitely *is* me
I am too needy

And
You weren’t the one who didn’t make himself clear

*I* was

It is so very important to me that you keep your word

Crucial, actually

Once the trust is broken
It’s broken
How can I know now?
What you mean and what you don’t?

My heart is guarded from you
Tender from your random radio silence
Convinced that you will do it again

And again

And again

Image result for broken trust
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My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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