Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

A Whole Different Person

alone

Right now I am on my second visit to TC.

I have total mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am totally excited and then, other times…

I don’t know, you tell me –

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Just Fucking Tell Me

There was supposed to be a real-life story that goes along with my question, but I just couldn’t articulate it well.

I am so emotionally conflicted about it that I am having a hard time putting it in words. Probably because it hits so close to my heart right now… I’ve tried typing it out and I’ve tried writing it down.

No matter what, I can’t make the story come together congruently. Read the rest of this entry »

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WTF, Loserman?!?!

Loserman sent me this on Facebook yesterday morning..

WickedEvolution

I am sick of his Facebook-posting shit when he wants to communicate with me. I wish he would just fucking talk to me like an adult!  It’s so passive. He’s been doing it for the last week or so and I’ve been ignoring him because he’s posting it on his own wall, but yesterday he sent this as an instant message.

At least he didn’t post it directly to my wall this time, I guess. (of course that could be because I blocked him from posting there again 😉 ) *sigh*

I have no idea what the fuck?!?!?! I haven’t responded because I just don’t know what the fuck…

Please help me understand.

I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always

It looks like you love her
With such beauty and wonder
But I will always love you
Forever and always

When I think about what happened in the past
I wish I had what it took to make it last
My beliefs were all wrong
Which made me weak all along
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken

Doors were shut
Our hearts were bruised
You never called (?)

I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always

It’s been hard to face it, it helps
Knowing nothing’s wasted
I will always love you
Forever and always

Although every night I sleep alone
I’m glad that you have someone you can hold
I wouldn’t wish this loneliness on you
Pray that I find someone special, too
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken

Doors were shut
Our hearts were closed
You never called (?)

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Ladies’ Night

Better Than the Boys

I went skating last night, like every single Saturday night. This week, like last, I skated alone because Thing #1 wasn’t feeling well.

Earlier in the afternoon I texted Sexy Skaterman and asked if he would be skating. It was Ladies’ Night after all. 😉

He responded, “Absolutely. It’s always Ladies’ Night.”

“Cool. I look forward to seeing you there. I hope you’re having a good day.”

That was the end of the texting until 10:30PM when he texted “I want you.” (Incidentally, I didn’t receive that text until after everything was over. Sometimes I leave my phone in the car while I’m skating.)

When he arrived at the skating rink I think it was around 10:45. I’m not entirely sure because I wasn’t waiting around for him watching the clock, I was skating and exercising and trying to stretch out my knee.

Once his skates were on, he rolled out onto the floor and I met up with him to say “Hi.” His arm went around my waist and mine around his and we skated and talked together a few times around the rink.

He kept pulling my hip into his hip and telling me how good I looked and he kept leaning over to smell my hair (Saturdays I don’t wash my hair. Anything he smelled and liked in there was all 100% me. I guess I should be 100% flattered!)

We skated around together for an entire song while he asked me, over and over again, what I wanted to do. The first few times I answered, I was a little coy but truthful, “I want to skate tonight. Then we’ll see.” He was very persistent and eventually I told him that I wanted some time to think about ‘what I wanted to do’. He was happy enough with that and skated away to flirt with the other girls.

I am not jealous of the other girls. It’s what he does. It’s how he is. All the men know it and he pisses the lesbians off. Also, there was no need for me to be jealous: he spent more time with me than any other woman there.

Towards the end of the skate session, Skaterman approached me again and asked, again, what I wanted to do.

I must have given him a confused look (I don’t know what I looked like, but I knew what I wanted to say to him) because he took my arm and said, “Let’s go sit down. It will be easier to talk.”

After we sat, I took a minute to form my question into a coherent thought, and then I asked, “If I said ‘Yes’ right now and told you I wanted to give it a shot what would happen?”

“I don’t do ‘Ifs,'” he answered. (What the fuck?!? I don’t do cryptic!)

“Well, *I need to know*… What do you want? When we get done with skating are we gonna get naked in the back of your truck and fuck like bunnies? Do we get a room? Do we make an ‘appointment’ for later? I have to know what you are expecting before I can even entertain your offer.”

His response was, “We can do that way if that’s what you want. We can do any of that. I’ve done all of that and I don’t have a problem with it. As long as you don’t get attached and this doesn’t get too complicated. Just know that once you say ‘Yes’ to me, it’s on and I will tear you up.”

I thought, We can’t have an uncomplicated “relationship”. I am already in 2 relationships, that immediately complicates things. Skaterman only knows about Loverman, but he knows that we are very close. He knows that Loverman is my “boyfriend”.

“Okay. So you want to ‘tear me up’ and I’m pretty sure I could do the ‘no attachment’ thing” (as you readers know, I can’t, I just wanted to see if he was going to go through with all of it.) “So, if I say ‘yes’ to you, what is it that you want?”

“I want to be with a woman who isn’t crazy.”

I scoffed. Like there is such a thing. Ha! “Ummm… You know that there is no such thing, right? I am proud of the fact that I am okay at curbing my Crazy, but she’s still there. You’re old enough, I’m pretty sure you know that. What do you really want, Skaterman?”

“I want to sleep with you.”

This time I practically rolled my eyes! WTF does that mean!? “You know that could mean two different things and you still aren’t answering my question. What do you want out of ‘this’?”

“I want to go to sleep with you and wake up with you in the morning and I want to know how we can make that work.”

WHOA! WTF? “Dude! It sounds like you are looking for me to make some kind of commitment outside of my Loverman and if I get into something deep like that, I am looking for a very specific type of man. You keep telling me how you want to ‘fill in the spaces’ that he leaves out but I need to know if you are the guy who can do that before I let you.”

Big surprise! He was offended. He stood up and said, “Well, I’m sure not going to change into something for you because that’s how you want me to be!”

OMG! Talk about crazy! He didn’t even know what I was looking for. He didn’t even ask. It could very well be that he was precisely the man who could ‘fill in the spaces’. I didn’t know how to respond to that. Luckily the DJ skated by at that moment and started talking to him.

It was a hilarious conversation that I totally have to share with you here! (the DJ is and 18-year-old lesbian, that is important):

DJ: You need to leave my girl alone! You know she’s 16, right? And she’s mine so you gotta stop it.

Skaterman: I’m just showing her new moves. Totally innocent. I don’t want your girl.

DJ: She told me what you said to her about wanting to get with her and give her a lap dance. Show her how it’s really done. Leave my girl alone, dude!

Skaterman: I can’t help it if she got the wrong idea. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.

As that interlude was ending, I skated away and skated the rest of the session by myself. When it was over at midnight I took off my skates, put on my shoes and left. I walked by Skaterman, who was talking to a girl 😉 , I said good-bye to the both of them, she responded.

When I got to my truck, I checked my phone to make sure that nothing had happened while I was at skating. And it was now that I got the “I want you” text from Skaterman. I sighed and then drove home.

I got home at 12:10, texted Loverman to let him know I made it home safe, and told him that I missed him and I would see him in my dreams. After that, I cut up an apple for myself, made some cheese and crackers and sat down to watch an episode of Rookie Blue (with a shot of tequila).

I hoped so much that Loverman would text me back quickly, but he was at work and it was Saturday night so I figured, when he didn’t respond right away, that he was busy.

I was nodding off to dreamland at 12:59 when the “barbie sparkles” sounded from my phone and I thought, Thank you, baby. I really needed to hear back from you tonight. I crossed my fingers and hoped with all my heart that Loverman was the one texting me to say “Good night, Mamacita.”

But, it wasn’t.

Boy, was I disappointed.

texts with skaterman

What an ass!! What the fuck was I supposed to do with “Hey”?

He didn’t respond to my last message.

I can’t say that I am disappointed.

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