Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Last Isn’t Always the Best Color

I’m not good enough to be anything but last.

How do I know?

People keep showing me

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Throwback Thursday: 06/27/2010

mistake

This is what I wrote the first time that Loserman stopped talking to me, 5 damn years ago, before I started my blog.

It reads just like present-times…

It’s over. Done. He hung up on me on Father’s Day while we were talking about when he would be able to finish fixing my car. It hurts so bad this time that:
  1. I don’t even want to write about it, it’s so stupid – maybe finally his wife found out and he’s trying to prove something to her about his love (see #3 for more on his loving her)…
  2. I feel like such a moron for thinking that all the bullshit he said was true. like “I love you”, “I’ll never leave you”, “I’m always be with you”, “I’m yours already”…  FUCKED UP!  Why would I EVER in a BILLION YEARS think that such a beautiful man would ever truly WANT me.  He’s the biggest self-involved mother-fucker that I have met to date, but I felt special because he ‘liked’ me.
  3. The stupidest parts of #2 are related to #1…  Like – why didn’t I listen to my better judgment? I’m old enough that I should have been smarter.  He obviously has a problem with commitment… He tries but then there’s this regular problem that he refuses to deal with and then ‘his girlfriend’ gets out of control because truly he’s a self-involved mother-fucker! I am impressed that his wife could deal with the bullshit for so long – and he’s only being nice to her because she is paying all of his bills right now.
  4. Because of that mother-fucker I am starting to hate myself again!  And I AM going to blame it on him. It’s that “horsefly’s” fault for even letting me think that an “us” was even possible. He must be getting what he needs from his wife…
I am SO angry with myself. So mad that I could be stupid enough to believe the things that he said. Even if he does try to contact me at this point I think he’s truly shown me what a horrid person he is and I can’t even let him in again for the most-awesome-sex-that-I-could-ever-know.  It was SO good.  I think he could be right.  I did only want him for his “froggy style”…
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Moving Right Along

without

In the marriage-ending department things are going well.

I guess I expected a little more bitterness/strife/anxiety from Doom-n-Gloom. Even though he hasn’t changed any of his core behaviors that I cannot live with (eg: his complete inability to realize anyone else exists in this world besides himself, yada yada…), he is being more conversational and ‘friendly’ than usual.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I am NOT complaining!! But Doom-n-Gloom’s lack of ‘passion’ or any sort of feelings towards this divorce gets me to thinking: most men fight back in some way when their wives are divorcing them. In some distorted and perverted and immature way, doesn’t that mean the husband still cares for the relationship and/or wife and is sad/upset/hurt to be losing it/her?? Kind of like pre-separation anxiety?

Anyway, what I think I am trying to say here is:

  1. I am very relieved. Hopefully he stays in his denial holding pattern (if that’s what this is) until after the initial hearing in mid-August (at least).
  2. If he’s this apathetic about me leaving him, how much did he even care about me (and/or us) to begin with?

Truly, none of that really even matters because our marriage was broken long before I started this blog.

It just took me this long to figure out that I deserve to be with someone who cares about me, myself, my well-being and (along with me) endeavors to work on our relationship every single day we’re together – and even on the days when we’re not.

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My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Date Night

It was so nice to be with Loverman again: my addiction. It’s like I’ve come down from a high and then I get high again and have to come down all over.

Or, maybe a better analogy would be a pendulum. I feel like I am swinging over to one side and then momentum carries me all the way across to the opposite side, just to be flopped back for forth.

Again and again and again.

But, I guess that’s what love is, right? Ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs 😉 …

Twice I told him that I love him. Once last night before bed and once this morning when we woke up. Something totally unprecedented!

Some of you may be thinking, “If you love him so much, why are you fucking Mr. AM on the side and still entertaining messages from other men?

Truthfully, I really don’t fucking know. All I know is that I am trying to figure this shit out like everyone else in this crazy place. Maybe I think I need a diversion when Loverman isn’t around, maybe I am trying to maintain some type of separation from him because I don’t want to get too close. Maybe I need a self-confidence boost. Maybe I am trying to mess things up…

But the fact remains, I really do love my sexy Loverman, and the feelings I have for him confuse and befuddle me every single day.

Of course there are things that I don’t love about him, too. But on the whole he’s a pretty awesome guy with some commitment issues.

We are creatures of habit, Loverman and I. So, our reunion Date Night this week was like we just went all back to normal again. A nice drive “up the hill” to our casino hotel. We saw our regular bartender who, over the course of 2 hours, served us 4 shots of tequila each — I love drinking with Loverman — then we strolled back to our room.

We took off our clothes in front of the television while we were still talking, about what I cannot remember, and then climbed into bed.

The topic of conversation changed then, and I can completely remember what we were talking about. It was one of the strangest thing to mention when you getting ready to sleep with your Other Woman. He asked me, “When we’re at skating, what do people call me?”

Me: Ummm… Your name?

Him: No, Peanut! I mean, do they call me your husband or boyfriend or what?

Me: Most everyone there thinks you are my husband.

Him: Do you say anything to them?

Me: Yes. I tell them you’re not my husband. Why do you ask?

Him: Because everyone refers to you as my wife. I tell them the same thing as you: that you are not my wife, that you are my best friend.

Me: One guy calls you my husband every single time he refers to you, and I correct him every single time. He just replies, ‘Whatever’ and shrugs.

Him: Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. I get that response from pretty much everyone anyways. What I think is strange is that all of them know your daughter, too.

(I don’t mention it here much, because it doesn’t really matter, but Loverman is almost as black as night. I’m a German Girl and most definitely white.)

Me: Yeah, and she’s as white as chalk! Obviously they don’t think you’re her father! But, we do all get along together very well and we kind of act like a family when we’re skating together.

He nodded in agreement and I said, “This is sure a strange conversation to have while we’re lying here in bed together, a little drunk, getting ready to have sex” and then I leaned over him and kissed him.

“Well, what do you want to talk about then?”

“How about no more talking right now,” and I kissed him again, deeply this time. Enjoying the feel of his full lips on mine, savoring the lingering taste of tequila on his breath. The alcohol allowed my thoughts to move from the awkward conversation to something completely different.

My right hand wandered down his body, underneath the sheets, to find that he was already erect and at full attention. I giggled and pulled the sheets down so I could take him slowly into my mouth and taste his salty firmness.  It felt so good to have him this close to me again, to be able to feel his skin next to mine, feel the power I have over his body.

We made love like magical clockwork.

Like there had been no break.

There has never been a man who fits me so well.

Inside of me.

Outside of me.

I fell asleep in his arms.

We woke up the next morning and made love again.

It was perfect, and I would have loved to stay there in his arms but we needed to shower and get to work.

We made really good time on the way back and stopped for our breakfast of Lamar’s Donuts 🙂

I loved being able to spend so much time with him, talking and just being together.

I think I just need to keep reminding myself to slow down and stop thinking so much.

Since our date night Tuesday, we skated together Wednesday and Loverman was supposed to leave for his family reunion in Mississippi Thursday. Well… Thursday afternoon, half-way through Kansas, his passenger-side rear axle went out and he had to be towed back to Denver: 365 miles.

That’s a totally boring and long story that will be left untold, except to say that Loverman is home safe and now has nothing working of his own to drive.

Which I will probably learn more about this afternoon when I call him to tell him he can borrow my car 🙂

I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July and that you all get to enjoy a long weekend!

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Loverman’s Wife (aka Diva)…

…is a 48-year-old “woman” who…diva

…hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in over 9 months. Her house is in her name and her name only. When Loverman asked her about the foreclosure letters that came in the mail last month she told him it wasn’t any of his business and that she’s a grown woman and can take care of herself.

…hasn’t paid the cable or internet bill in over 3 months and now both have been disconnected. These are also responsibilities that she has taken upon herself and refuses to let Loverman help out with.

…has a 13-year-old son and has no idea who the baby-daddy is.

…does not make her 13-year-old son go to school. EVER!!! This is the second year now that boy has not been MADE to go to school. Last year (2012-2013) her son didn’t attend even one single day of school between the months of October and February. That boy had to attend summer school in order to move up to the next grade and was told that if he pulled that stunt again next year (right now) he would be held back a year with NO chance to make up time in summer school. Period. This year, Diva’s son went to school September through the end of October and has not attended a single day since. When Loverman tries to talk to Diva’s son about how important an education is, Diva tells Loverman to mind his own business.

…does not buy any groceries for her 13-year-old son and leaves him alone for 4-6 days at a time. When Loverman asks if he can help, again Diva tells him that her son isn’t HIS son and to mind his own business. When she finally does come home, she spoils her son with fast food and video games (which he can’t play because their internet has been shut off for nonpayment)… and then takes off for another week.

…goes out clubbing on those 4-6 nights a week and posts pictures every single time on her Facebook page (she posts them publicly, like an idiot, so I can see everything she does *leSigh*). Very young boys men come to her house at all hours of the day and night to hang out with her in her bedroom and take her to clubs. If they see Loverman working on a car in front of the house, they make a u-turn in the street and drive away. 5 minutes later, Diva is rocking her clubbing outfit and getting in her car to drive away.

diva flower

Loverman has nowhere to go. He doesn’t have enough money to get himself his own place and is just keeping his stuff at Diva’s house until the bank forecloses on it and kicks them both out. Then, he and I will have some serious financial juggling and life adjusting to do. She will probably lose her house about the same time this year as I decide to send Mr. Gloom-n-Doom packing — we always have weird coincidences like that.

I don’t like to talk about Loverman’s wife. That’s why you haven’t heard any of this before. She totally pisses me off! But I think you should at least know what I know about her.

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No More Sleeping At Home

Remember my post the other day?

Good Sex

I’m pretty sure that Loverman didn’t direct that post at me!…

Loverman hasn’t really slept at home for over 4 weeks. There are a couple of days/hours here and there, but I think it has actually probably been more like 8… He says it’s because of his truck (it’s going to get repo’d and he doesn’t want them to be able to find it), but I know that’s not totally it.

According to Loverman, Diva (The Wife) hasn’t said anything to him about why he’s gone so much (I know that if he were MY husband I would want to freaking know where he was staying all the time!); even when there are opportunities. Just last night he was laughing about how funny it is that they haven’t said anything to each other for weeks and the first (and only) thing she does say to him is: “the disposal’s broken” and that’s the end of it.

She didn’t even know he was out of the state for 3 days for our sk8-venture! It doesn’t matter if she knew he was with me… She didn’t know he was gone at all! Even *I* told Mr. Doom-n-Gloom! I told him I was going with Loverman and everything — he just thought there were 4 other people that went with us.

Gone skating

I guess there’s really no need for me to be jealous of his wife any more, huh?

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Tuesday and the New Truck

These are the two texts I got from Loverman Tuesday afternoon in regards to his purchasing a ‘new’ truck.

#1: Mama, you are going to kill me but I found the truck and they are going to let me drive it today with $200 down.
(this text was cute both because of the nature of the text and the fact that he used my name. He never texts me my name.)

#2: I’m test driving it now. On my way to you so see what you think.

It was so adorably cute I immediately went to go tell my boss about it (she knows all that is going on in my life — I love my boss, she is the best boss I have ever had!). And (grinning, I’m sure) I read her the messages and asked her, “Isn’t this something you would normally ask your spouse?” Her response was, “Neither of you has a great relationship with your spouse. Does it surprise you that he’s asking you about this? I mean, he IS the one that takes care of you instead of <husband’s name>. He is the one that you call when you need something a spouse normally does for their partner.

That is what got me started thinking on the I-Team post from yesterday…

Loverman brought the truck to show me as promised. I checked it out and asked him all the questions I could think of. The cab of the truck was filthy, but nothing that a good scrub wouldn’t fix. We looked under the hood and everything looked clean under there. While he was driving the truck to me, the Check Engine light came on so we talked about that for a minute (he says I’m his “assistant” because I help him work on cars when he needs me and when I have time — I can’t wait until this summer when we can get out to the junkyards!). Every time I thought of something to ask him or tell him about, I received a resounding “Good girl!” It’s amazing how good just a little bit of validation can make you feel, eh?

He tooled around in the truck for the next hour or so until I got off of work because he wanted me to go with him to sign the contract. Also, he wanted me to be there and say if I thought that the whole thing was a good deal.

It turns out that he got the truck. He purchased it through one of those companies that helps you to rebuild your credit. As long as he stays on the automatic payment plan for the next 2.5 years the truck is covered under their full warranty program. That part is awesome because him having money to fix the darn thing was what I was most worried about — Loverman has child support payments and health insurance already being deducted from his checks, he barely makes $250 every other week; I wanted to make sure that he would have enough to cover other things like the water bill and his car insurance.

Just like in last week’s Karma post, I think that things are going too well.

Am I just being paranoid?

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