Right now my ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere… Timeline-wise anyway…
And I am totally okay with that.
On the surface, I think that I am ready; I act like I am ready.
I want to be ready… I write about it here – how much I crave it…
Long-term relationship companionship…
Sometimes those three words are easy to say.
…to my daughters, my friends…
Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.
I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.
Is it fear of rejection?
I know he won’t reject me…
If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more
A friend of mine said something to me last week that made me think (probably more than I should have):
“The first time in the BDSM life style can be a bit overwhelming and, if you really enjoy it, a person can fall fast and hard for their first partner if they are not careful.”
I remember how much I liked my first “boyfriend”…
How enamored I was with the man I gave my virginity to…
Firsts are special.
Since our little ‘disagreement‘ a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t had much to say to Alaska.
He has called to check up on me a few times and my interaction with him has been minimal at best.
Also, I have been trying to stay busy so it’s easier to say, “No” to him when he wants to ‘hang out’.
It’s difficult to share pieces of myself and be vulnerable when I don’t feel I’m being appreciated.
Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.
In all honesty, I am disgusted.
Disgusted with him.
Disgusted with myself.
DIS – GUS – TED
I decided to step outside my ‘box’ and try something a little different for a change. It is too comfortable in my little closed-off world and I need to start “BECOMING”.
Becoming what, I don’t have a clue, but I have been hating myself for long enough for no good reason.
THAT SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE AND THE ONLY PERSON TO CHANGE ME IS ME!
So, this past Wednesday night, I attended a local monthly Submissive Group.
Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.
It started with, “Get me a beer.”
As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”
“What’s that?” He asked.
I repeated myself.
Last week Dreamboat PM’d me on Facebook to invite me to a costume party.
It’s an Egyptian Steampunk Costume Party.
Sounds fun, right?
As you may or may not know, I am not a social events type of girl – especially if I don’t know anyone there and I don’t arrive at the choice to go there on my own.
That latter bit is something I just learned about myself. Maybe it seems dumb that I didn’t see that before now, but I am stubborn. If I feel any pressure at all to do something I don’t want to do, I then want to do it even less.
Recently I have been forcing myself to get out and do those different things, but they are events and environments and times of my choosing. That way I can feel a little more in control of the situation… and I can leave whenever I want.
It seemed as though Alaska may have missed me while I was away last weekend. However, this time he actually remembered I would be gone.
I actually shared my google calendar with him after he’d forgotten numerous times that I would be away for something or other… When he asked me why, I told him that was the reason.
The first time he called or even attempted contact was Sunday morning while my crew and I were getting ready to return home. He even made a joke!
“We’re on our way out right now,” I said. “Would you like me to call you when I get back into town?”
He snickered a little and said, “No! I do not want you to call me when you get home!” Then we both busted out in laughter. It’s a rare occasion that he plays around like that, if at all.
“Okay. It will be after 3 before I call. Have a good morning,” I replied and ended our call.
This guy won’t let go, and the funniest thing about it is: he has already said “Good-bye” to me.
At the beginning of our conversations, he told me that instead of saying “Good-bye” when someone leaves or a talk ends, he always says “Peace” to them instead.
True to that, whenever we talked on the phone, he always ended our talks with “Peace”.
He explained to me that “Good-bye” was too final; that he only says “Good-bye” to people who have died, or he is severing his ties with them.
He said “Good-bye” to me when I ended things with him New Years Eve.
But then, after his “Good-bye“, he texted me some psycho-manipulative bullshit while I was on my skate trip to Houston.
At which point he told me he wouldn’t “bother” me again.