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Self-Destruction

secretary

I recently watched the Movie Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhal.

First, I need to say that I’ve had a huge crush on James Spader since I first saw him way back in the before-time…

Second, (IMHO) Maggie Gyllenhaal is amaze-balls in this!! Cute as fuck!!

In case you haven’t seen it, here is the brief(ish) synopsis from Wikipedia:

Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal), the socially awkward and emotionally sensitive youngest daughter of a dysfunctional family, adjusts to normal life after having been hospitalized following an incident of dangerous self-harm. She learns to type, and begins to work as a secretary for an eccentric attorney, E. Edward Grey (James Spader), who hires her despite her stilted social skills, unprofessional appearance and scoring higher than anyone he’s ever interviewed, which would make her overqualified for the job. Edward explains that it’s dull work and they don’t use computers; however, Lee remarks that she is okay with these conditions.

Though at first Edward appears to be highly irritated by Lee’s typos and other innocuous mistakes, it soon becomes apparent that he is sexually aroused by her obedient behavior. After he confronts her about her propensity for self-injury and commands that she never hurt herself again, the two embark on a BDSM relationship. Lee experiences a sexual and personal awakening, and she falls deeply in love. Edward, however, displays insecurity concerning his feelings for Lee, and he feels shame and disgust over his sexual habits. During this period of exploration with Edward, Lee has also been attempting to have a more conventional boyfriend in Peter (Jeremy Davies), even engaging in lukewarm sex with him. After a sexual encounter in Edward Grey’s office, Grey fires Lee.

After Lee is fired from her job, Peter proposes to Lee, who reluctantly agrees to marry him. However, while trying on her wedding gown, she leaves and runs to Edward’s office where she declares her love for him. Edward, still uncertain about their relationship, tests Lee by commanding her to sit in his chair without moving her hands or feet until he returns. Lee willingly complies. Hours pass, as several family members and acquaintances individually visit Lee to alternately attempt to dissuade or encourage her while Edward watches from afar, completely taken by Lee’s compliance. Because of Lee’s refusal to leave the office, she has gained news coverage from the media, which they believe to be a hunger strike. After three days, Edward returns to the office and takes Lee to a room upstairs where he bathes and nurtures her. The pair marry and happily continue their dominant-submissive relationship.

To date, it is one of my most favorite movies. I could watch it over and over again. In fact, maybe I should watch it with anyone thinking about wanting to be my “boyfriend”. It might help ‘break the ice’. LOL!

Although, I can see how people might think it a bit contrived, especially the end…

I really identified with Lee. So much of her character felt exactly like me. She had a silly, cute and awkward way about her, but she also seemed sure of herself in a naïve kind of way – like she’d spent most of her life in a bubble. I cried when she threw her “cutting” tools into the river… What a huge step for her to take and for a man, no less!!

I identified because, even though I don’t hurt myself physically like Lee, I hurt myself emotionally with the sole intent of masking the old pain with new pain or some other self-destructive distraction.

I eat too much, drink too much and smoke a helluvalot of weed.

I choose one night stands over anything meaningful. In fact, I refuse further contact with the men who want something more

More recently, I haven’t even wanted the one night stands!

I tell myself over and over again that I am worthless and meaningless and then continue to prove it to myself because… I don’t know… Why?

As I get older, I am more cognizant of the processes, but still unable to stop them.

Or am I?

I like to go to Alaska so he can fuck my face and smack my ass and tits. It’s a temporary fix, because I know that it will never develop into anything beyond what it is right now – friends with benefits…

Maybe it can work into something more (shit, maybe it already is), but I am too afraid to confront him about it because I don’t feel I’m worth it.

…at least this movie helped me understand a little better what drives me towards him.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to change my mindset; trying new things; getting back to my exercise & yoga (because that has waned significantly); speaking to myself more gently and lovingly…

Because I am what I think I am.

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