You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska

Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

Frustration

How many of you feel like it would be easier to give up than to keep going?

I’ve tried to adopt 3 dogs – 3 fails

I’ve stopped dating completely – again ultimate fails

Nothing brings me joy any more

Ok… to be fair, I look forward to alcohol 🍷

But is that really something to live for?

Ummm, no!

This is my last outlet. I no longer want to tell my ‘friends‘ that I’m feeling lost and want to die.

They call the cops on me and then I have to explain, to people that don’t give a shit, why they need to leave me alone because I’m “okay”.

Maybe if one of them actually came to me instead of calling the police….

But I get it, they’re scared.

Aren’t we all?

(Please don’t call the cops on me. I’m not okay, but they have way better stuff to do. Really!)

The Return

Loverman (aka: Loserman) finally came back to me on July 3rd, 2021

I don’t know why… maybe because I finally gave up on Alaska (Meet: Alaska)… maybe because I was finally able to have gratitude for his part in my life… maybe because water is finally under the bridge…

Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he came to a point in his life he could finally accept my love…

No matter what, I am so grateful 😇

Panic Stricken

The past two weeks I have been having mild panic attacks. Nothing debilitating, but my heart and brain start racing and I can’t focus on anything else except being worried.

Worried about what? I don’t fucking know – which kind of makes it worse.

Anyway…. I reached out to a friend for some kind words and I was told “at least you have it better than me.”

That really hurt and definitely didn’t help me feel better. I started comparing! There were examples on either side proving the other has it better….

This is the message I wrote but did not send. I knew it wouldn’t help.

FYI, no part of this conversation helped me to feel better. In fact, I feel way worse than I did when I reached out to you.

I would do anything if you could get over Kim and remove all of that hatred from your heart. It was over 20 years ago and, even though it will always be with you, it doesn’t have to be the **only** thing that defines you.

What you said to me today about how I’m better off than you are??? I’m sad that you don’t know and that you haven’t asked how I am. FYI l, I’m struggling with ALCOHOLISM, severe(!) depression, and not being able to make ends meet. The matter of fact that I texted you, telling you how I was freaking out, should give you some kind of clue.

I’m. Not. Ok

“Babe, you could have paid 6 months mortgage at the lake house for that kind of money!”

My family will never help me, while your family is there for you every day…. I wish more than I can say that I had a family like that. 😢

They know as little as you do about me…

Sadly, we can compare each other and our individual lives forever, but that won’t bring either one of us any happiness.

Love, Me

Alcoholism Haiku

It’s been a long while, but I wrote a haiku:

Alcoholism is tough

So easy to find

So very many triggers

Reunited

The last 10 days have been a mix of emotions for me.

When you love something so much, it’s hard to let it go free. But the joy you feel when they come back is the most amazing feeling you will ever have!!

I hope you never have to feel that terrible emptiness, but I wish you all the joy of their return! 💕💗😘 🥰

Monday Motivation: The Future

Usually I don’t look forward

I typically look back when I’m trying to find answers

And place blame…

… searching for reasons to explain why I am who I am

Maybe my answers aren’t in my past

Maybe they’re in the present

Maybe I’m my only problem

I don’t want to be who I’ve become

But I can’t keep blaming my past

It’s over and what’s done is done

I may not know my meaning right now, but my future will help me discover it

It’s up to me to keep myself open and hopeful;

Try new things with an open and unjudging spirit;

Learn to trust my intuition again

The future can teach me more than the past ever could!

Struggling with Self-Love

I need your help…

How does one just start loving themself?

If they don’t already love themself?

My reason for quantifying it like that:
I think it’s hard – for a person who already loves themself, and has always loved themself – to understand or advise on this. I mean, what struggle does that person have to pull from? How can they sympathize?

Struggling with Purpose

There was a time, a very long time ago, when my children were young

They needed me

We would go places and do things, like people do

And it was difficult sometimes, but we did it

For a while there, my life had some sort of meaning…

Struggling with Self-Control

Working through my ‘new’ allergies (or whatever-the-fuck-they-are) has made things a bit more challenging than I would prefer.

I guess it serves me right for all those times I thought someone was faking their food allergy.

And trying to keep my drinking in check is barely working at all 😦