Pieces of Me

Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten

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10 thoughts on “Pieces of Me

  1. Perhaps you go from one relationship to another hoping the next will heal what ever is “broken.” In order to really heal yourself, you need some alone time to reflect and to find out what you really want and believe me, it will come to you. These guys are just using you and they know exactly what they are doing… I wish you the best Smitten. I really do.

    1. That is indeed part of it. Also, I pick men that need to be fixed as well.

      I know that Mr. X knows what he’s doing. After he reads this, he will also know what it’s doing to me. We talked about it briefly yesterday morning before I wrote this post.

      I really appreciate your concern. Please don’t stop telling me what you think 🙂 XO!

  2. Oh Smitten-I’m sorry to read this post, especially knowing how much you were hurting/recovering from Loverman. I’m inclined to believe as OW does, in terms of taking time for you. Just yourself and what makes you happy, what you need to do for your own self-care. Keep posting, we’re here {hugs}

    1. Huggs to you too, my dear! Yesterday I started to realize how much this ‘relationship’ with Mr. X is starting off just like how things were with Loserman. If I want that, I can just go back to Loserman and make amends with him. It would be easier that way anyway – things are already established, yada, yada….

      Thank you for your encouragement in regards to writing. Sometimes when I get upset like this, I just start to shut down and I don’t want to communicate any more. Writing becomes a struggle. Tequila becomes my friend…

      And I am trying so hard to figure out what I need to do for myself. Really I am!

Talk to me :-)

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