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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

“You’ve been giving me a lot of attitude lately. What’s up with that?”

I knelt before him and repeated, less angrily, “I would like very much if you said ‘please’, or if you could just ask me with some consideration when you want me to go out of my way for you.”

I used a deliberate but pleading voice when I spoke to him. I wanted my words to be articulate and non-emotional (so much for non-emotional, I started crying right away), but I wanted to make sense, if you know what I mean.

Regardless, I could plainly see that what I was saying stung him deeply. He clearly took it as an attack.

He said, “Maybe I’ve been spending a little too much time with you. You told me that you wanted to spend more time together so I am spending more time with you. I think I need to step away for a bit. My time is very valuable to me and I don’t think you realize that.”

WHAT?!?!?! This is MY fucking fault?!?!?!

“Please don’t make this my fault. I am not trying to place blame on anyone. Daddy, I am very appreciative of the time you spend with me – I think I show you quiet well with my mouth on your cock – but I don’t want to argue with you if that’s how you feel. I hope you understand I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to communicate my feelings to you to take care of myself. If I don’t then I will just resent you and treat you poorly as I have been.”

“Oh, I won’t allow that,” he said.

I gave him a puzzled look.

“I will not allow you to hurt me.”

UGH! “But *I* don’t want to be hurting either. You know when you drink a glass of water and then it’s empty? Well, I am that glass of water and am simply asking that you fill me back up occasionally.”

As is customary when I confront him with my feelings, he kept repeating, “I don’t understand.” And, no matter how many times I plainly broke it down for him, he still didn’t understand.

It was like he was trying not to…

Or maybe he wasn’t listening at all…

He and I are very different people in so many ways. I try to understand his idiosyncrasies where he seems to think mine are tedious and unnecessary.

His lack of attempts to understand what I am trying to tell him hurt. It feels like my feelings and needs aren’t important to him.

And then he turns it back on me…

It has much to do with control and choices.

I tried explaining to him that, if he just IMPLIES that I have a choice, it makes all the difference.

I explained that, 95% OF THE TIME I will say “Yes”. Sometimes all I need is the feeling of control.

I tried explaining to him that my time is valuable to me, just as his time is valuable to him.

He continued to repeat variations of, “I don’t understand this” or “I don’t know what to say”.

There was a lot of awkward silence.

At one point he said to me, “I thought you wanted to be owned.”

Again this is MY fault…

“I did, Daddy. But I didn’t know that meant you would no longer respect me.”

He left Monday evening and hasn’t contacted me since…

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10 thoughts on “Respect

  1. I feel like I only ever comment here to tell you how to do you… which is bad! You know you best! So I’ll let someone else do it this time. Have you ever read Captain Awkward? If not, hie thee over there right now and look up Darth Vader and other controlling assholes.

    My take, fwiw: you want a D/s relationship, which can mean different things to different people, which is why these relationships need so much communication, listening, and negotiation. This guy (apparently) wants a woman who will agree to whatever he dishes out simply because it’s him doing the dishing, and that’s… no. When you tell someone, honestly and transparently, “you are doing this thing and it hurts me” the ONLY acceptable response is a sincere apology and an immediate change in that behavior (less, not necessarily straight to zero, because we’re all human). Only an asshole will continue with things like “explain it to me again” and “justify your feelings” and “maybe you’ve got it too good, maybe you need to see how much worse I could treat you” (!) (no, seriously, such a fucking red flag, that, even/especially in a D/s relationship… sub is acting up, expresses her needs clearly and respectfully, do not threaten sub with neglect. Jesus.)

    And now I feel bad, because I’ve done that thing you’re not supposed to do, of badmouthing someone’s s/o, and if y’all work it out I’ll look like the asshole. But, honestly, if he pulls a 180 I promise to be surprised AND happy for you.

    1. Thank you for saying something! 🙂 I will be surprised, too…

      Realizing that he can’t (or won’t even try to) respect me really hit me hard. The day after this was pretty tough… He is an asshole, but I don’t think he is intentionally hurting me. He is used to women throwing themselves at him and doing whatever he says, just because he says to.

      Maybe I am giving him an excuse, but I’m a bit of an enigma to him.

      He’s really just ignorant and I have been hoping that my honest and open communication with him would help him understand (or give him a desire to try and understand). But instead of making any effort, he deflects. *I* wanted to grow together as a result of this, instead he ended up acting the exact same way as my ex-H and Loserman did when I confronted them on similar things.

      Sad thing is, I thought Alaska had already done that 180… That’s why I let him ‘have me back’…

  2. I wish I could say something Smitten, but as I have mentioned before, I have never ever understood what a D/S relationship is. To me, the best I can relate to it is (not that I do, but if I do, then…) if you can probably restrict it to only the bed, outside of which I have no idea how that can be enjoyed without infringing on the other person’s respect. But before you throw the frying pan at me (:)), I am ignorant in this area and my opinions may not be right or fit everyone – however, I am starting to think that Alaska seems not too far away from my thought process (meaning he seems to believe he is a 18th century European conqueror, with 100% access to the conquered territories pleasured AND wealth); which I don’t think is a good thing. If I were to make sense out of the conversations in the previous comment even in a D/S there is a some underlying space-respect, which still needs to be honored. Something that is beyond some men – ALL or NOTHING does not work in any relationship. My humble opinion…

    1. LMBO! He does act like an old world conqueror! How funny you put it like that 😀
      As for ignorance, I think a person is only ignorant if they aren’t even willing to try and see another’s point of view or understand their story…

      I agree with you on the all-or-nothing bit… But, if I don’t feel like I can trust he will listen when I try to communicate, there will be nothing.

      Thank you for commenting! ❤

  3. I think the D/S dynamic can be fulfilling and work when there is an underlying trust and respect, unfortunately from what I recall of your writings of Alaska he has not been a respectful man. He comes across as a user and like he wants a D/S dynamic so he has some woman to do things, and buy things, for him..

    For him it’s not about you and your needs….that is why he can’t understand.

  4. Sighhhh I must agree that he is not looking out for you or what’s best for the relationship and sounds like he just wants the cake and eat it too.
    But as the sitcoms have shown, If I say to much and you take him, then you may be angry with me.
    But, he’s kind of an all about me person and a bit of a……

    1. LOL! Sitcoms… Cuz that’s how life really is. Hahaha…..
      As we work on developing something between us, I can tell that he’s trying.
      That being said, I have some growing to do as well…

      1. No matter how old, experienced or knowledgeable a person is, there is always room for growth.
        That being said ❤ 🙂

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