Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.
It started with, “Get me a beer.”
As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”
“What’s that?” He asked.
I repeated myself.
“You’ve been giving me a lot of attitude lately. What’s up with that?”
I knelt before him and repeated, less angrily, “I would like very much if you said ‘please’, or if you could just ask me with some consideration when you want me to go out of my way for you.”
I used a deliberate but pleading voice when I spoke to him. I wanted my words to be articulate and non-emotional (so much for non-emotional, I started crying right away), but I wanted to make sense, if you know what I mean.
Regardless, I could plainly see that what I was saying stung him deeply. He clearly took it as an attack.
He said, “Maybe I’ve been spending a little too much time with you. You told me that you wanted to spend more time together so I am spending more time with you. I think I need to step away for a bit. My time is very valuable to me and I don’t think you realize that.”
WHAT?!?!?! This is MY fucking fault?!?!?!
“Please don’t make this my fault. I am not trying to place blame on anyone. Daddy, I am very appreciative of the time you spend with me – I think I show you quiet well with my mouth on your cock – but I don’t want to argue with you if that’s how you feel. I hope you understand I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to communicate my feelings to you to take care of myself. If I don’t then I will just resent you and treat you poorly as I have been.”
“Oh, I won’t allow that,” he said.
I gave him a puzzled look.
“I will not allow you to hurt me.”
UGH! “But *I* don’t want to be hurting either. You know when you drink a glass of water and then it’s empty? Well, I am that glass of water and am simply asking that you fill me back up occasionally.”
As is customary when I confront him with my feelings, he kept repeating, “I don’t understand.” And, no matter how many times I plainly broke it down for him, he still didn’t understand.
It was like he was trying not to…
Or maybe he wasn’t listening at all…
He and I are very different people in so many ways. I try to understand his idiosyncrasies where he seems to think mine are tedious and unnecessary.
His lack of attempts to understand what I am trying to tell him hurt. It feels like my feelings and needs aren’t important to him.
And then he turns it back on me…
It has much to do with control and choices.
I tried explaining to him that, if he just IMPLIES that I have a choice, it makes all the difference.
I explained that, 95% OF THE TIME I will say “Yes”. Sometimes all I need is the feeling of control.
I tried explaining to him that my time is valuable to me, just as his time is valuable to him.
He continued to repeat variations of, “I don’t understand this” or “I don’t know what to say”.
There was a lot of awkward silence.
At one point he said to me, “I thought you wanted to be owned.”
Again this is MY fault…
“I did, Daddy. But I didn’t know that meant you would no longer respect me.”
He left Monday evening and hasn’t contacted me since…